second-hand grace

Positive: there's no use starving when there's still food in the fridge

2012-01-31T22:42:00.003+11:00

The title is a little abstract... but it means (to me) that as long as I've still got resources and options that are yet to be used up/explored, it's illogical (perhaps stupid is an even better word) to just give up. May as well throw everything at a problem before declaring yourself beaten by it. It sort of amazes me that I need to be reminded by this as often as I do.

Sometimes you're just not conscious of the presence of the resources/options... even if they're not hidden or hard to see. I wonder why that is... well, being depressed certainly puts you in the frame of mind where it seems like your options are extremely limited. And thus begins a nasty cycle.

Anyway - I had an idea for a positivity pin-board to go in my room (wonder where I buy a pin-board from?). It would have a gratitude list, inspirational quotes, photos that I like (of people I love, pets, nature, ones that trigger good memories), artwork that I find intriguing, stories or people that are inspirational and good, a more permanent add-to list of my major accomplishments (my degree, internship, dream job etc), a more permanent add-to list of happy or funny memories, and compliments I receive from other people.

Yep, it's not at all to do with saving the world... for now, it's just about saving me.
I simply have to focus on the positives right now. I need to be reminded of the things that do go right for me; the things in the world that ARE good; my own good qualities; the people who love and support me; and the potential, the possibilities and the opportunities that the present as well as the future holds.

Oh and - I've got enough savings to buy an iPad and I've finally reached the point where enough people have raved about them and told me I must get one. So I figure, why not... I kind of want one and I can afford it. I have been considering it for a little while because I spend almost all of my laptop time browsing or writing in Word. And my laptop is getting a little old and slow and sorry for itself, plus an Ipad is so portable and easy and, well, cute. :)

Oh life...

2012-01-29T00:56:00.004+11:00

I guess there's good and bad things happening - I guess that's life. Unless you're rich, have super duper good health and an amazingly well functioning and supportive family. Then I guess life can be mostly good...but I digress :)

I'm currently typing away on my new wireless keyboard (I took four keys off the laptop's keyboard and it'll be too much cost/hassle to get it fixed, especially on a laptop that's about 3 years old anyway). Feels good to be typing and have all the keys functioning again!

It's 1am and I'm kind of in self-exile... I had a half hour ordeal with a great big huntsman spider tonight when I got home from a clothes swap (the clothes swap was fruitful, btw). He or she was huge and took a bit to kill. I would like to be one of those peace loving people who don't kill even insects, but I'm not most of the time. So I emptied half a can of spray on him. Then took me another 20 minutes to work out a system to get him out of the house without having to come within 30cm of him... (long piece of cardboard, a stick, sticky-tape, some measure of insanity)... it all left me a bit rattled just like all the other times i have to take on a big spider.

Since then I've spotted another much smaller one (about medium sized which I can live with if it stays away from me) and a cockroach which I just killed in the middle of writing this post. So yeah, we have an insect problem. I googled what to do about it ... fumagation, natural remedies etc... and that just made my anxiety worse because it outlined all the things that increase a spider population in a home and we have basically all of them.

I didn't know what to do and I was starting to panic because I've had insomnia the past two weeks anyway let alone with paranoid arachnophobia thrown in the mix. I called someone (they kind of rock, just sayin'). They came up with a workable plan. Vacuum all webs (and therefore eggs and spiders within) in bedroom, hallway just outside and the living room which is the worst for spiders. Then set off an insect bomb (I found one that my housemate must've bought - thank goodness otherwise it would've been a trip to the 24 hour k-mart at midnight). Then ventilate the room as much as I could before hitting the hay at around 2.15am... sounds crazy but I figured that's around about the average of when I get to sleep at the moment anyway regardless of when I head to bed.

Anyway, couldn't find the vacuum cleaner, so set off the bomb and now I'm waiting before I can go back in (about 20 past 2). Tomorrow I will vacuum and buy some more bombs and set them off around the house. Plus spray that surface stuff around windows etc. The bedroom is the most important thing though because I can deal with it well enough when I'm awake and in a room (I've become very aware of any insect-sized movements or shapes all the time when I'm at home) but it's no good if it screws with my sleep - like I need something else to do that.

So since I have another hour at least in exile this post is likely to be long and rambly... sorry about that.

I've been reading Jessica Watson's book 'True Spirit'. I admit when this was all happening and in the news, I was mildly irritated by it all. What was the point? How much should this matter? She's probably spoilt, there are people in extreme poverty, etc.... typical far-left response I guess? Anyway during a complete night of insomnia the other night I was so bored and unwilling to sit with the same (negative) thoughts running through my head that I decided to get a head start on the news at 4am and saw a story about a young girl who sailed solo around the world - the article mentioned Jessica Watson of course. I decided to check her out - see what things it says on her webpage. I was curious.

This curiosity was also to do with the fact that I thought this potentially inspiring distraction would be good for my mental health. I've been struggling a fair bit with stuff, it has not been easy. This lead to my buying her book and I've now read half of it. It's not a miraculous remedy or anything but the optimism and mental strength required of this girl to do what she did impressed me. At 16, to be alone for that amount of time of itself seems incredible to me. Alone and at the mercy of the seas. At times potentially hundreds of Ks from the nearest human being. A feeble and faultering mind like mind just can't comprehend how that's possible. She had Christmas on her own, she prepared all her own meals, she slept in cat naps for 8 months straight... she did her own on-board repairs (obviously), she talked herself out of getting scared in big storms or blankets of fog in the part of the ocean that is farthest from land (how isolating is that thought?!). I am basically in awe of the fact that she could have such maturity and emotional strength. She may have started life in prime position to have such maturity and emotional strength, but I still find it amazing and inspiring. Mainly because it's possible, I suppose? Possibility excites me. That might sound weird but I'm not sure how else to put it.

I had what I think to be a great idea last night. And it's given me a focus. Something to work towards, something I can get behind and stuck into that means something to me. So that's definitely a good thing. There are good things and reasons to be happy a lot of the time. Just need to focus on those and keep trying and seeking.

thingys & stuff

2012-01-18T10:17:00.004+11:00

Well.

I've had some pretty severe low moments over the last month or two - scary ones. It shouldn't really be a surprise considering everything that happened in 2011. And the fact that I haven't been taking care of myself as well as I should - feeling as though I practically live on my own, there's only me to make sure I eat well (or at all) and exercise and sleep at reasonable hours. For several months I didn't eat properly for 2/3 of my daily meals - that's a big deal even though I didn't quite realise it at the time. I made a NY resolution to eat a proper & nutritious breakfast and dinner at least 5 times a week. 2 days of bad eating is far better than 7. So far I'm doing OK - breakfast is still the biggest problem (the norm at the moment is a Carmen's apricot muesli bar - at least Carmen's bars are low in sugar and fairly decent in terms of nutrition). And last night I counted scrambled eggs with tomato on toast as a decent meal - it kind of is? Better than crackers or cereal anyway.

I'm trying to exercise - I went to a zumba class last night, now that it's back on for 2012... last year I got into the habit of going every week and really loved it. This year I'm hoping I can do zumba every tuesday and salsa once a week (have found a partner, friend of a friend). Other than that, I'm hoping to do a decent walk or jog once a week too. Sleep + diet + exercise - seemingly always my biggest challenges! I had a rather sudden realisation last week that if I don't look after myself nobody else will. I'm an adult, I don't live with or near my parents - I effectively live on my own at the moment (rarely see my housemate who lives in the granny flat out the back and my other housemate is OS) - so if I don't give a damn about it then my health will go even more to hell and I'll have no one else to blame.

The new job is awesome - that's the only aspect of my life that is actually in order, that I'm content about. But it's a big part so I feel like I shouldn't complain. I'm enjoying the work and the people I'm working with. I got to go and see a premiere of a film (director's suite, no less) I was interested in anyway so that I could review it - best. perk. ever.

My love life is a giant shambles, so nothing new there... I can't work out if it's more simple or more complicated than 'normal' (ha, normal, that's funny). Either way, I'm fairly sure I'm learning. So that has to count as something good, right?

I'm doing my best to keep busy to keep the dark & lonely thoughts away... since deciding to start putting in a concerted effort a week and a half ago, my not-be-depressed-as-whale-shit-at-the-bottom-of-the-ocean plan is working fairly effectively I think!

Anyway that's all for me now - gotta get back to work... wish so many of my fellow bloggers weren't being so quiet.

Oh one little side note - I've become quite partial to checking the s/h book section in op shops (never used to) and finding some obscure bargain. My latest purchase is 'The Book of Lists 2' - sounds ridiculous, and it kind of is, but I picked it up out of sheer curiosity to know what the hell a book of lists is... aside from the obvious... what is the point? Turns out it's just got all these random facts about famous people, surprising statistics, tidbits of historical info - just short groupings of interesting stuff. I kind of dig it. Feel like a bit of a nerd... hehe.

Big changes

2011-12-14T21:48:00.004+11:00

I am in such a weird head space right now. I'm also in a weird typing space as four of my keys are missing. So I have to press that little rubber thing rather than an actual key and it slows down my typing. annoying.

In the interests of honesty....... - having a blog is so weird - it feels a bit like a public diary and i'm actually not very comfortable with that. anyway...

I would prefer no alarmed or over the top responses to what I'm going to write... I may even prefer some e-silence unless you have something supportive to say...

You see, I'm not exactly sure that I believe everything anymore... and by everything, I'm talking about faith and religion. Christianity, to be precise, although there's tonnes about conventional Christianity that I've known I don't agree with for a really long time... but for the first time probably ever I'm allowing myself to ask why I believe in God... and if I really do.

I suppose I'm allowing my mind to consider the viewpoints of agnostics and even atheists. I was brought up Christian - I never had any 'conversion' moment or anything like that, and I wonder would that would be like to become a Christian... would it feel different? Because to not have ever questioned my faith, to me makes it feel not that authentic.

In terms of the teachings of Jesus, I think I will always support and agree with the sentiment of his teachings - the views he held and how he lived his life. I don't believe that people who haven't heard his teachings and proclaimed him as lord are going to hell or anything like that (to be honest I don't know why anyone would want to worship a God who they believed to act like that but anyway). But if there is a God, I think Jesus had a strong connection to her/him....

On the topic of God - if there is a God, I would only want to know one that was loving, compassionate, patient, life-giving, life-affirming. Not jealous or angry or happy to damn people who were born in a non-Christian country. Also it would be difficult to love a God who can intervene at any time but just hasn't when there is so much suffering and injustice in the world... if there is a God and my doubting and asking questions of her/his existence meant that she/he would try to punish me or would be angered or offended by that and consequently willing to then condemn me.... well, I would not and could not respect a God like that.

There have been many moments in my life that I have referred to as 'God moments'. These moments are not invalidated by me asking these questions... is it not only natural to ask 'are you there?' when I cannot see you and there's no proof whatsoever of your existence? I cannot feel bad for questioning... or worry for my faith because I'm asking these questions... because how can it be bad to want to know if this faith is real? Is it real if I'm too scared to question it? If it is real... if God exists... then that should be powerful enough to withstand questioning, surely. If it's not, is it just a blind belief held in fear? Something I want to protect from deep thought? What kind of a faith is that? The last thing I want is a faith based on fear.

It has been extremely scary and made me feel very vulnerable and insecure for me to allow myself to ask these questions; this is something that has never really been in question before in my entire life. That's one hell of a security blanket to remove - the idea that I'm never really alone, the idea of an after life etc.

I'm scaring myself just thinking about all of that.

I don't really know what is going to happen. I'm not going to stop living a life that works for peace, justice, love - and a world that looks more like the one Jesus (and others with similar views in history) have talked about - so in terms of lifestyle choices, I suppose the answer to these questions will not have that much of an effect. But on the way I think about my life personally, and my own personal comfort and security, it will. And it will impact on whether or not I keep going to church - at the moment, I probably go about 1-2 times a month. But I have felt increasingly more uncomfortable over the last 12 months. This questioning is not really new, it's just come to a head.

I don't really think, despite allowing myself to read the arguments of atheists/ agnostics, that I will be able to give up the idea that there is a God completely. And perhaps after putting that belief through the wringer and still saying, 'you know, I think she/he probably does exist' would be a far more faithful and meaningful statement, and mental vantage point, than the one that is currently just there to protect my unclear beliefs from any scrutiny so that I can say 'I believe' out of fear...

The haps...

2011-11-19T12:20:00.005+11:00

I might be getting the job of my dreams! I had an interview yesterday, I was so nervous... I think I did OK all things considered. I really hope so. I didn't think the opportunity for this kind of job would come up so I haven't been aiming for it... it would feel cruel if the opportunity presented itself and then was taken away :( Better to have never known I had the chance... but I'll take it as it comes. I'll survive if I don't get it. I'll go down a different path.

I bought a new outfit for the interview, D helped me pick it out. Don't remember him being that useful in that department before but hey, it was welcome! It's a mental thing for me - while I'm confident about my ability to do the job well, I need something to boost my confidence on the day. Last time I had an interview, I bought heels... I think it's so that the part of my mind that says 'You don't deserve this' shuts up, because hey, I went to this effort so therefore I at least deserve to maybe get it. Bizarre but that's what happens. So I was wearing a new skirt and top from Myer and new pearl earrings (not real pearl as they were $10 but whatever) and these simple, classic black heels I bought for my last interview (and have only worn once since). I put on a little make-up, straightened my hair, blah blah... so if nothing else I think I looked like I took myself seriously. I looked like I gave a shit. I most certainly do give a shit but I was afraid that somehow it wouldn't show through? Stupid since my nerves definitely did show through... the panel commented on it and said that I needn't stress because they thought I'd done well... I guess we'll see.

Had to do two writing exercises which I don't mind but with a time constraint and feeling all flustered from an hour of interviewing, it was not exactly fun. I realised when thinking about it last night that I put in a majorly superfluous comma in one of the things I wrote :( I hope they put that down to lack of editing time. Anyway, there's no point doing a post-mortem now, is there.

I told my boss about the job and the interview - he was so nice, understanding and supportive about it that I almost feel bad about leaving! He has the best management style of any manager I've ever worked for and it's going to be a shame if I leave to be leaving that. Having a good manager makes such a difference. We get along well, he's fun too. Still, having a job I believe in is more important... I was looking forward to the Christmas party and just getting to kick back and have some fun with him and other work people... but I just realised I've double-booked myself. I'm really really good at that. So annoyed, I was looking forward to it.

It's a rainy day and I've got no concrete plans yet... nice feeling. I've been reading a book written by a Buddhist dude. Interesting content but his style is a little dry so I have to make myself keep reading it and weekends are not a great time for making myself do anything much :)

My housemate and I are going to be Twihards for the rest of the day and watch the second and third movies in preparation for the fourth one - which I'm seeing with a friend from work who's got free Gold Class tickets (don't mind if I do). So I guess the rest of the day will comprise of Twiharding and eating junk... have already had 3 choc-chip cookies and some potato chips. Don't worry, I'll still get my daily serving of fruit - I'll throw in some preservative free Banrock white! (Ah, I love Ellen...).

Speaking of Ellen - her new book is great! I'm scared of finishing it too soon and then it'll be over. She's so funny. I should put some excerpts on here, actually. The worst part, by far, of having to work the 9-5 grind is that I miss her show every day. She's like my guru! Scrap what I said at the start of the blog, my true dream job (the most unattainable, most magnificent) would be to work for her on her show. I would be in heaven! How does anyone even get a gig like that?!?! If I could do that, it would be enough to get me to live in the US... and that's really, really saying something.

Anyway, the day is beckoning. The only thing ruining the start to this sweet and peaceful weekend is my neck. It was so stiff yesterday I couldn't turn my head. Got a massage last night which did absolutely nothing for it. So I may have to get out the heat pack... if only I could convince one of my housemates to do a massage course at TAFE...

Self-ishness

2011-11-09T21:31:00.003+11:00

I am making it my goal to be self-ish for a little while. Not selfish in a way that directly hurts anyone around me - just self-ish in a way where I make it a priority to direct my energy, efforts and money towards myself and my own good because I need some TLC. Maybe you think I sound like a wanker but I'm proving to myself that I deserve to be treated well and don't deserve the shit treatment I have so often copped. When I used to get treated like crap, unfairly, I would turn that anger and everything inwards and end up hurting myself more. I guess I was young (or younger, at least) and didn't know better...

Well anyway, fuck that. Gone are the self-destructive days. And there were so many of them, believe me. But it just never got me anywhere except for into a worse situation... thankfully something broke the spell. It's not that I don't have the tendency to think that way when I get down, I still do... it still occurs to me, I still flirt with the idea, albeit briefly. But I mostly just won't go there these days. That's a massively good change and I'm proud of it.

Something happened very recently that was... extremely difficult to take. A big slap in the face. Even if it had happened to a person not as sensitive as I, it still would have felt like a huge wallop in the guts. It momentarily left me emotionally winded; I think I was stunned. I think I thought I just wasn't going to have to deal with any more shit this year - thought I'd dealt with enough to last at least a few years! It seemed so cruel - like, what kind of fucked up year is this?? Seriously?!

I managed to catch myself out and decide to get a bit angry, to direct this negative stuff where it should go. This may not sound good to you but believe me it's a step up. Instead of swallowing it down, owning it personally and turning on myself like usual, I thought 'No, wait. Fuck you! This is your problem. This is not my problem that you think it's OK to treat me this way.'

I have a chronic tendency to see people as being better than they are and to see myself as being worse - and there are people who are all too happy to manipulate sad little sods like me. I am extremely trusting almost immediately with a new person and I sometimes ignore the bad in people and assume they will not do wrong by me. And when they take advantage or treat me badly, I take their shit behaviour as being my own fault - I take on guilt, I take on people's problems, in short... I am just not selfish enough a good deal of the time. I don't stand up for myself enough in my own mind. I am involved in my head and my thoughts a lot, yes - but in terms of looking after myself or protecting myself from crap, I don't do a great job of being selfish.

By self-ish, I don't mean with an attitude of greed but with an attitude that I am going to damn well make sure that at least someone is treating me right even if it is only me sometimes! Because I deserve to be cared for and I deserve to enjoy life and oftentimes people's opinions don't deserve the weight or merit my mind gives them.

At work, there's so much pathetic bitchiness, back-stabbing and undermining, it's incredible. I find it somewhat amusing, but it does get to me especially if I get in the firing line of some insecure dipshit. But yesterday and today, I - for good or for bad - did not accept one ounce of crap from anyone even my boss (pulled him up on something during a meeting he was running - ballsy). At work I normally don't take that much crap from people but I also don't say or do anything when someone is obviously lying, undermining someone else out of spite, or being unethical in some other way. I know I won't really make friends by being so honest (have learnt that by now) but the older I get, the more I learn that the people who are worth caring about won't be turned off by someone who speaks their mind even when it's way more comfortable to just tow the line.

I'm just so sick of the greedy and manipulative assholes riding rough-shot over everyone, including me. Well, screw you all - I'm not intimidated by your crap even if most everyone else is. And I won't shut up when I think you're being an awful person. I also won't shut up if I think management are making unethical decisions. Cost me my job? Eh, fine. I don't really care. Also I don't really think it would... if you're bold enough to say something, lots of times other people will pipe up in support, they were just too afraid to be the first to say anything.

The point being - the worthy things and the decent people in life don't disappear when you speak honestly, when you face up to the truth and proclaim it - when you cut the crap. All the shit does, though. And I'm starting to realise that that's just fine with me - and that I'm just fine, too.

2011-10-31T14:08:00.002+11:00

I had these awesome pictures from my garden to upload... and blogger seems incapable of uploading pics. So that's nice...

CounterClockwise

2011-10-31T12:43:00.004+11:00

I'm reading this fantastic book about mindfulness and aging - called CounterClockwise by Ellen Langer. I'm really loving it. I've loved mindfulness stuff ever since it was brought to my attention years ago. Can't exactly pinpoint where or when - probably a combination of my own research on thinking and emotions and therapeutic tools plus friends having an interest in eastern philosophies ie. buddhism. I'm trying to find a comprehensive definition of mindfulness... here's one:

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”

Another found on good ol' wiki - 'Bishop, Lau and colleagues':
"The first component [of mindfulness] involves the self-regulation of attention so that it is maintained on immediate experience, thereby allowing for increased recognition of mental events in the present moment. The second component involves adopting a particular orientation toward one’s experiences in the present moment, an orientation that is characterized by curiosity, openness, and acceptance."

There's a few different ways of talking about what it is, but it's kind of just being mindful generally, sort of how it sounds... 'please be mindful of...' like 'please pay attention to'. So being mindful is basically paying full attention to whatever you are doing at the present moment. Kind of thing : ) Noticing, observing - not judging everything or getting caught up in worrying about the future or lamenting about the past but just being attentive to the present moment.

I have just always found it useful... to objectively observe what my body or mind does without necessarily liking it, trying to stop it, distracting myself from it, fighting it or evaluating it... rather just experiencing it. I think that's powerful - it has really helped me with some emotional stuff, pain or illness even... It has impacted my responses to all that stuff ever since I first learned of it but I kind of forgot about it for a while.

I joined the local library to get some books on etymology for fun and came across this Counter Clockwise book. This social psychologist has conducted lots of studies about aging and health and the mind body connection - so interesting. She put a group of 80 year old men in an environment several years back in history (to when they were young - in this experiment, the year they went back to was 1959). She interviewed and tested and measured them before the retreat back in time - these were men who were very dependent on their adult children, were deemed to have lots of health problems etc... they were instructed to talk and act as though they were back in 1959 - they weren't treated like they were 80 (no one carried their luggage or talked for them - they were expected to carry on as though they were the age they were back in '59). At first it pissed them off but eventually they fully participated... they watched movies from that era, listened to music, talked about the issues that were current then... anyway at the end of the week they were interviewed and measured etc and all of them tested better, felt better, and actually looked younger (this was judged by people who had no idea of the context and by using before and after photos). Their cognitive abilities had improved, they were even more flexible - basically their bodies were responding to behave 'younger' because of the environment.

The book is all about being mindful of the 'cues' and assumptions (primes she calls them) that affect our bodies without us consciously realising it. It gets into western medicine and how we are conditioned to assume that they doctor knows everything and we end up just being passive recipients of their instructions even though scientific medicine is based on probabilities, generalisations and hypotheses that are not absolute.

This is all kind of related to my love of studying post-modernism - analysing the assumptions in language, in our culture, in science and western medicine - the messages we receive subconsciously from texts - and looking at the fact that metanarratives just don't work ie. the idea of a universal truth is misleading. Multiple truths - multiple realities - endless experiences and interpretations... life is so uncertain but we are hell bent on making sure we keep up the illusion of certainty. But it could be to our detriment.

One last thing to say about the book - she talks about learning from experience... collective or individual experience; about how we need to be careful about it - why? Because... well... do you believe that you can have the exact same experience twice? When you look at all the variabilities... is it possible? It's not possible - we're not in control of all the variabilities at play even if we like to think we are... so we can't be certain that just because X did Y in that situation, that it will do the same again this time. There can be likelihood and probability... but it can be dangerous if, for example, you know someone who got X1 disease and permanently lost their hair (making this up)... and then you get X1 disease. If you learn from your friend's experience that women your age who get X1 disease permanently lose their hair, it may end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy ie. you may not search as hard for a treatment or cure because you saw your friend go through it and it seemed to be the same thing so therefore you assume the same thing is going to happen to you because the doctor gave you the same disease name. Even though the type of disease could be the same (presuming the doctor got it right), your body is not the same as your friends and you can't just assume that you'll permanently lose your hair because there's no way of actually knowing that - it's just that your friend did.

She gives better examples in the book... but anyway the point is our language, our expectations and our assumptions can have a big impact on constructing our reality... and our reality is always changing and is not fixed like how we tend to want it to be. The medical world tries to give us certainty so that we feel more secure - but it's an illusion. There's knowing some things or specific things and then there's being all-knowing... they're not the same and no one is all-knowing. Doctors make decisions and pick from certain options but we are made to be kind of blind to that part of the process. Things in science that were once totally unquestioned can be disproved later (that has happened heaps of times). Not to say we reject scientific evidence or whatever - it is valuable - but basically you cannot prove impossibility. Everything is 'impossible' until it is achieved and then suddenly it's possible. She argues that the sheer act of thinking this way and trying and being mindful of our own experience as unique in itself is empowering... rather than handing over complete control to doctors... people are scared to question long-held assumptions, but why? They should be questioned... we should be encouraged to view things as probabilities and likelihoods rather than absolutes... doesn't mean medical advice becomes useless at all it just means we can liberate our thinking from mindlessly accepting assumptions to exploring possibilities.

I do love questions (well, duh). I was told I was 'blessed' with a restless and inquiring mind the other day - I've never heard it described as a blessing before... but, why not : )

burning away the chaff?

2011-10-05T21:08:00.006+11:00

So I went to a music festival on the weekend and stuff happened.

Stuff has been happening a lot lately. There's just been this influx of substantial moments that can only really be described as God moments. All this stuff is... coming up. Coming out of nowhere.

I have been lonely, suffering in emotional pain I guess... but I realise now that I had to go through this.

For a long while I have put all my faith in distractions - how goddamn original, right? Me and every other lost soul in our fucked up modern world - but turns out distractions were, well... distracting.

dis·tract

To cause to turn away from the original focus of attention or interest; divert.

If you fill up on distractions, things become meaningless, empty - it's not really living... it seems a kind of self deception. I feel like my word right now is truth. No more lying to myself, no more running from facing the truth.

So I broke up with my partner of two years and around the same time fell out with two other important and very close people in my life. And at the same time as all that, I had to move - and my new housemate doesn't care for TV. I didn't even own a TV but I ended up winning one at work (yeah, bit crazy). Thing is there was no antenna port or anything and so we both just didn't do anything about it. Now it's two months down the track and I've watched free-to-air television 3 times (2 were AFL games, and once was Hamish & Andy). I was never a huge TV watcher but I would flick on the ABC when I was bored/ sad/ wanted distraction/ was too tired to do anything else. The ABC is still awesome - but TV was still another distraction from all these heavy and dark emotions lurking just underneath.

I realised - with the help of a few other events that I won't go into - that what I was feeling and what I was running away from was... well, actually lots of things, but one of them was intense loneliness. It was crushing to face it. Just lots of sadness. I was thankful to have work to go to as a distraction. I thought that this weekend, helping a friend with running a space at a music festival (Christian btw) would be good distraction from the pain, the sadness, the loneliness. Turns out that the festival did not wish to cooperate in the distraction process - there was lots of time for thinking, and ironically it was even tougher to escape the feelings! I had some truly shit moments - my tent leaked, it was raining (woke up in a puddle), freezing most of the time, and on the last night my replacement sleeping bag was nowhere near up to the weather and I've never been so helplessly cold. I was sleep deprived, I had none of the creature comforts... I was opened right up, nowhere to hide, just had to take it. As if I wasn't already raw and exposed and vulnerable enough.

But these amazing 'God moments' just kept coming. It's like space has been made - and room for these things that needed to happen. An immense amount of things all lining up at once to just... wake me up. It has been hard, really hard. I'm living as far away from my family than I have before... I have pretty much no family here. I have friends but... anyway. There has been no escaping myself recently. Which is a good thing.

Now, I'm feeling kind of free - lighter - I can feel that something is happening and changing. There is all this growth... like a sick plant that has been allowing weeds to crowd it, overshadow it - and now the weeds have been removed and the sun can get in and the plant is waking up and starting to believe it can recover and maybe even grow from here.

I connected with someone - 'RP' - at the festival and... all I can say is I am meeting soulmates all over. It was such an honest conversation with someone who just minutes previous was a complete stranger - and it was just so timely... we had something in common and it is quite rare... actually we had several amazing points of connection. It was just a very special thing, I guess. He's a middle-aged guy with a family, a great person and I admire him. He's a writer too and gave me a book of his poetry and told me to not hold back. I was encouraged by him and other people to pick up a paintbrush and just paint - then I was told what I was painting was good and to keep going. I feel like this cheer squad from nowhere has come along, seemingly planted by God for me. It's weird.

This has coincided with me meeting this other man - retired, in his 60s I think? - at a screening of a film (few weeks ago). This guy, J, is part of a local environmental group. Anyway I got up and said something about TV (how I've enjoyed not having TV) and he immediately sought me out afterward to ask if he could have a coffee with me so that he could ask me a bunch of questions. You could tell he was a writer, he was slightly eccentric, very sensitive and that honesty that I love and that slightly disturbs some people. He gave me his number and left it with me to decide. I called him and we met up for a coffee last night.

He's writing a screenplay (yes, I know we talked about TV, but it all fits in!) and thought I could be of some use in developing the lead female character. The plot and everything is great - I love it! I don't care about getting money or my name on it but helping him with it would just be so much fun. He loved my answers, said he knew and had a feeling that I would be just perfect for this. We connected so well - he has a brilliant mind and his writing is great... and he seems to believe I have lots of potential.

Turns out he used to teach a creative writing course at a uni (I think focusing on script writing for film?) and he wants to mentor me. He wants to fucking mentor me, I'm so excited! Another member of my cheer squad of strangers arises, ha! I should mention that his creative works tend to focus around environmental issues. He's an atheist who wants to inspire young people to do something about the degradation of our planet. He meets with a local UC minister on a regular basis to debate faith. He's just a lovely man with a brilliant mind. He was getting so many ideas and so much inspiration from my responses that he decided he'd go home and work on the script and he'd send me some more questions and we'll meet up for another coffee soon. He offered to help me with my writing and said he could tell that I was a highly sensitive and creative person.

On the plane trip home on Monday, I was reading RP's booklet of poetry and felt like.... like God has been trying to get through for so long and I kept blocking him/her with all this bullshit and now that s/he actually has the floor s/he is damn well going to get in as much as possible... because then the poetry got to me as well and I actually had to stop for fear that I would be kind of emotionally overwhelmed amongst a plane full of strangers. I spent the rest of the flight dawdling all over a sick bag (my life is all glamour, I know). I actually like one of the pictures I drew, I'll post it up...

On the plane, the term 'burn away the chaff' sprang to mind. Maybe all the pain and suffering has not been futile; has not been JUST pain and suffering... maybe it was necessary.

So interesting what fills the void when you cut the crap and simply make some space.

This Road Ahead by Adam Cousens

2011-10-04T21:14:00.002+11:00

Click me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a fantastic clip!!

^^^ Check out my film clip debut ;-)

But seriously - Adam Cousens is an amazing singer songwriter with a big heart, awesome voice, positive lyrics... he's just a cool guy. And a good friend, too.

Cool clip, great people, awesome song, yeaaaaaaaah! Click it. I dare ya!

beautiful mess

2011-10-03T22:44:00.003+11:00

beautiful mess

this is a dedication that feels like a prediction.

maybe it will turn out to be prophetic.

the dedicatee doesn't read this blog but the dedication stands, anyway.

Simple?

2011-09-27T22:59:00.002+10:00

Here's some things I previously thought were commonly oversimplified by people:

- a person being chronically messed in the head can probably be connected back to family/ upbringing
- self destruction is anger turned inwards
- divorce is bad for kids
- eating disorders are caused by the media

I was always a bit cynical of the simplicity of these statements. But life has taught me that sometimes it might be more simple than you realise - it's just that you might not have really understood it before.

I always thought far too much emphasis was placed on family stuff in terms of mental health - it seemed pessimistic or too out of the individual's control... but I now can fully see that family stuff has an incredibly huge effect when you're young and when you're an adult. It doesn't have to determine everything - but it will touch everything in your life, basically. And, ultimately, could mean the difference between years of therapy or none. Lots of things have confirmed this for me (I needed it to be confirmed by my own experience of course, can't just accept someone else's wisdom now can I!), both my own experiences and those of friends.

Next. I really do believe self destruction is simply anger or sadness (or x intense negative emotion) turned inwards. Incorrectly; it is misdirected. Whether this comes from a lack of assertiveness, or a fear of facing or confronting the thing (confronting your own feelings) and directing strong emotions where they should be going - a way of trying to swallow those feelings, though it's impossible for them to just disappear... I don't know. But I do believe that it is anger/ sadness (/ fear?) internalised. Maybe that seems simple to everyone else? It's still a way of expressing the emotions but in an extremely indirect way. Directly is way, way better. This has been an important thing for me to realise.

Divorce I really think is unbelievably shit for kids - I'm not saying this hasn't been analysed, of course it has. But I think I now see why, at least a bit. Think of all the mental ill health being cultivated in all the children of divorced parents now. Yeah there's the argument that two unhappy parents are equally difficult or even more so on kids; but, in the absence of physical/emotional abuse, I truly think it's better for children if the parents stay together regardless of how happy the parents are. Tearing apart someone's world - their first and major security, their home, their grounding, their net of support - can be so tragically damaging. Can cause so many emotional problems for the person later on. Even if the parents aren't the happiest ever - at least they're THERE. At least the children have a place, their place. [Obviously if the parents' unhappiness means that they stop being supportive at all, then this is shit... but if it is at all possible, I believe people who are married with kids should stay together as a matter of ethics. At least until the kids are adults. That may sound extreme - feel free to debate me].

Eating disorders - I know their complexity, believe me - I really do have a deeper understanding than I ever wish I'd needed to have. I think this particularly damaging manifestation of self destructive tendencies is definitely and absolutely caused by the media (which is both a reflector, and initiator, of cultural values). The media can't be blamed for all the underlying emotions or hangups or whatever - but can be blamed for this particular expression of these emotions. We are so obsessed with thinness. If it weren't for that message being pushed on girls/women again and again and again, I don't believe that reaching __ unattainable weight would be the focus of girls with emotional issues. Eating disorders are a product of a sick society that has put image above all else. So, in one way, it really is as simple (in my view) to say that eating disorders are caused by the media. They become a coping mechanism for any number of emotional issues... but a very dangerous (and sneaky?) one... and girls with the emotional problems that make them vulnerable to eating disorders are victims of our cultural sickness. Eating disorders kill - and if they don't kill, they are at the very least extremely dangerous and destructive in a far-reaching and long-term way.

These are my current observations... maybe they're obvious, maybe they're insightful - I don't know but I wanted to record them. Feel free to comment.

blah blah blah angry

2011-09-26T19:51:00.002+10:00

I haven't worked out what to 'do' with this anger yet... things keep reminding me...

Someone I introduced her to came to the city we live in and saw her and not me... her 'side' (however many there may be!) was no doubt presented at some stage as I would've probably been at least asked about even if not visited... whatever.

Come between family, come between friends, why draw the line anywhere really.

Shit thing is at one stage she had a link to this blog... don't you hate that? Really hope she lost it.

My dilemma is if I don't let out the anger or deal with it somehow, it's got nowhere to go but towards myself... and that is dangerous territory which I hate. At least I can recognise that now. I'm proud of myself for not collapsing into a drinking, smoking, non-eating mess. Well I have lost some weight but not on purpose and I've been trying to eat enough, and mostly succeeding. I'm slim right now but I think still fairly healthy.

It's just such a huge thing... and... yeah. What do you do? Go punch things? Whinge and rant about it to anyone who will listen (it gets old for people - unless you pay them, an option that is also being utilised). Guess there's nothing much to do but acknowledge it and... and... forgiveness at this point seems... stupid? An unattainable ideal. Something I'm not even striving to obtain, really, to be honest. Weird, I just don't 'feel' like being Christian with this issue. That may be pathetic but why be anything but honest on my own blog.

I dunno how to let it out. I don't want these feelings anymore. Please don't tell me to ask for forgiveness or, I dunno, to start stitching wholesome proverbs into cushions every day as therapy. Maybe I should do that 'write a letter but never send it' thing. Hmmmmmmm.

The Economics of Happiness

2011-09-21T21:43:00.004+10:00

I was at a local screening of 'The Economics of Happiness' last night - such a great film. Profound, succinct, inspiring.

It just merged all of these things together... one part of my mind, the cynical part I guess, is still quietly questioning if this is too 'neat' a response... but then another part of me can't actually find any holes in it.

In a nutshell, it made the argument that the globalisation of the economy caused and now perpetuates third world poverty - the disparity between our contemporary world's richest and poorest (the West vs... well everywhere else?). And that the answer is localisation. Me putting it like that does the movie no justice at all but... I suppose I'm not quite smart enough, not quite good enough with details (I have a shit memory) to really explain it like the film did... and maybe this is not a surprise to lots of people.

It tied in environmental issues... international trade... transnational corporations... conflicts about culture/religion... and even mental illness... just beautifully. The localisation of the economy to stop big transnationals from basically raping third world countries as they do now. Transparency from knowing exactly where you get things from, exactly who meets your material needs... a sense of identity cultivated by local culture... the mental ill health that comes from a false sense of community cheaply provided by ads/TV whatever... that don't show flesh and blood people, not really. They show idealistic, unrealistic and insincere versions of people manicured to epitomise western cultural values... but say more traditional cultures where families and communities are involved in their own farming of food, their own cultural rituals, and children learn and spend time with actual people, not projections of people on a TV screen.

There was a case study of a community (in the Himalayas?) that not that long ago was close to untouched by the western world - remote, unaffected. Unemployment and poverty didn't exist... and over the last however many decades (20, 30?) we have kind of infected them with our western-world problems. Not to imply their community had no problems or was paradise - but there was a system and it worked and people were generally happy and content.

Hmmm... I feel like I could never connect all of the dots the way the movie did, so if this sounds like it would interest you - try and check it out. www.theeconomicsofhappiness.org/

I'm buying a copy.

Oh a related but kind of trivial thought... how damn cool would it be to have local currency???? Melbourne currency - the idea makes me all excited! In a less radical (and awesome!) but more practical approach, I'm going to start with consumer choices and aim for local first and from markets as much as possible (with more conviction now), then fair trade certified... and lastly, as per the ethical consumer guide in the god forsaken supermarket. I despise supermarkets. Just ask my housemate. It seems I would prefer to starve them go into them - there's something just so sterile and depressing about them. If I could buy everything at markets, I think I'd actually look forward to grocery shopping. Ha!

Songs in your head have meaning?

2011-09-21T19:46:00.006+10:00

Someone said to me recently that they'd had such'n'such song in their head... and what did that mean, they asked.

I cynically gave a little laugh and was all, 'Right... I'm sure it has tonnes of meaning... uhuh!'

Then it happened to me a few days later. I realised a song was going over and over in my head - and the words were so... insightful? I was seriously amazed. It was a song I hadn't heard for ages - but so bizarrely appropriate for what was happening.

Then it happened again (or, since I remembered to start paying attention)... and the same thing. The lyrics were so relevant to my feelings. Bizarre! I had listened to a CD this time though, perhaps cheating, but the song which had relevant lyrics was the one that stuck all night and I woke up with it in the morning.

Now I'm determined to keep track of when this happens and see how often the lyrics connect directly with how I'm feeling at the time. I guess I always thought that the sounds of songs came and went with some connection to emotions (slow with pensive, upbeat with excited, what have you!) - but it's like I didn't think the subconscious mind clever enough to connect the lyrics with feelings. Don't know why I thought that?

I won't put the songs up as, well, that would give lots away that I'm not willing to. But I had never thought that songs that popped into my head got in there for a reason. Obviously sometimes it's just that something reminds you, or you hear something that sounds like the start of a song, or whatever. But when they randomly pop in there... well, check 'em out!

I both love and fear how the subconscious mind words. (<--- case in point. I had meant to write 'works'. But 'words' works way better!)

Stuuuuffff & rambles

2011-09-06T20:31:00.005+10:00

Stuff. So much stuff.

I have been massively craving... a quiet place. Some space and silence. Slow simple meals, wine, chilled out music, sunlight. Quiet. Gardens even (bloody hell).

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly introverted but never liked it so tried to be extroverted for the second decade of my life. I like to socialise - but I don't like big crowds. I don't like it when everything is super loud. I like to talk (if you're reading this you probably already knew that) - but much prefer one-on-one or small group chats than in a big group these days.

I dunno. I once had to do a personality test for a program and found it really frustrating not being able to pick 'introverted' or 'extroverted'. People were like, 'just pick one' 'which do you prefer' 'doesn't have to be always, but which is like your default setting?' blah blah blah... I kept trying to say that I truly don't know and truly can't pick one. Sometimes I get energy from being around people - and sometimes it drains me. Sometimes being alone drains me and sometimes it gives me energy. There doesn't seem to be any way that is 'usual'. But then, of course, I'm a little moody ;-)

Anyway, it's like lately my introverted side has kind of spoken up (which is ironically more of an extroverted thing to do but whatever!) ... because maybe I see it as OK now. 'Cos I've grown up a little. I don't feel that it's just plain boring to be introverted anymore. I seem to have equal parts of each... and being too introverted, being by myself and reading or writing or some other solitary endeavour, eventually and inevitably leads to me wanting to go party with a group of people. It's a continual evening-out process. So I've had lots of down time now, which was much needed, but feel like being extroverted again... and people let me down a bit, I guess. They're not shitty, I'm just a bit grumpy.

I contact a billion people to get someone to accompany me to the game this weekend - no one is interested, but you'd think someone would pity me as I practically begged everyone! It truly means a bit to me, I really want to go. Finally I found someone at work to go with me. But, I know it's childish, but I felt a bit pissed off at my friends. I guess that's the way it goes. Sometimes everyone wants a piece of you - other times, tumbleweeds... I don't really begrudge any of them individually, not really. But as a group, I just feel all cold shouldery. Like, stuff the lot of you. I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow but it just irritated me. Maybe they didn't realise how much I want to go. That's probably it.

Sometimes I feel amazingly supported by my friends and family, and I feel grateful. Other times I feel kinda... on my own. People exceed my expectations and then they disappoint me. Or the other way around. I'm sure I do the same.

Guess that's just life. One thing though, feeling extroverted with no one to play with leads to blogging. So lucky you, readers (of which there are maybe 1.5!) :-)

Angry

2011-08-28T22:10:00.002+10:00

There is something that is making me really angry. It's something that is unjust that happened - or is happening, or whatever - to me.

It's nothing I probably have a right to complain about in comparison to starving, being traffiked, being orphaned, having cancer... I know this. But it still angers me. And I think I may have felt more sadness about this than anger, so far - but I think I need to let that anger out. It's justified and if I don't let it out it means I just feel shit about myself... it means my only conclusion can be 'I suck'. And that's just not happening anymore.

I think I'm a pretty understanding and empathetic person. I think I'm compassionate and, I hope, slow to judge. In general. I try my best - I think I'm a good person. But there are some occasions where I just feel like a person should get their comeuppance. I'm not going to orchestrate it - but I wish that it would happen.

This scenario has nothing to do with justice ie 'social justice'... it just has to do with people relating to one another - and one person being screwed over by another. And the repercussions of that.

I did receive a fair amount of sympathy from some family and several close friends when all of this came to a head. And that was great. But now the repercussions of all of the bullshit are still affecting me. They're still on my mind more than they should be. I mean, not that much, but I find myself getting lost in thinking about it when my mind stumbles upon the topic. And it's just a breeding ground for negative thoughts about myself.

Of course people around me have largely forgotten about it, or whatever. I guess I expect those close to me to harbour some anger, still, on my behalf, but that's silly. Their anger has either dissipated or they have forgotten all about it and that should be fine.

I don't want my friends or family members to have the uncomfortable experience of feeling angry all the time... but I don't want it to just be forgotten, either. I'm sick of some people getting off 'scott free'. Fuck that. I'm not into punishment, hellfire and brimstone - I'm not into hatred either - but I do want people to face what they've done when they've been shitty people. To take responsibility, and have to see and feel the repercussions. When it's a serious thing, that is what I think should happen. In an ideal world.

I don't know what this post is meant to mean. I guess it doesn't have to mean anything, it's just words... just venting.

grow slow to know

2011-08-25T19:40:00.007+10:00

we're young and we're all mysteries in the making
taking
forever just to break in
to our own souls
[lost to all who can see through us
while we can't see over the table]

while we sit and smile and chime in and cry
while we drink and whine the while away
we try to find the way to say
that we thought there was an easier way
it seemed that it was figured out
in advance
but that's too outlandish a claim
and shame, too criminal a reprimand

and anyway, we like to think we'd choke on Bland

i'm sure we could have it Sorted
if they decided that we needed to
if they liked the way we looked in it
or if
they always gave us away
when we weren't it

maybe we need
to grow slower
into what we don't yet know

when you don't know what you want to say
you know you want to feel it anyway

i'm guessing we should grow
with a watery smile
that suits our just fine style
capped off with sips of wine

maybe, tonight, on our own souls we should dine
saying it'll all be alright if we
in the midst of Everything
just keep growing
slow to know

poem - loss and hope

2011-07-07T19:06:00.002+10:00

It’s not an inch too far
Or a second too soon
It’s not coming at me
It’s not moving away
It’s just there and It sits
And It waits patiently
For my patience to run to nil.

It is happy designating
all sorts of signs
On events that don’t call for them.
It is happy remembering the good
And denying the bad
It enjoys being crumpled up in the corner
Happy to watch, to wait
As long as the end to all of this
[this wrong situation]
is coming
And if it’s not, then the wait
Becomes the wait for the crumble
[That would surely come.]

It’s envious of those
Who have to wait no more
Who seem to have their ‘other’ sorted neat
While It sits there on the floor
Happy to have a heart that limps
Seemingly without a fight
But there is a fight that is slow
A fight that is slight
The fight is happening all the time
Little by little
Imagining, at the end of the tunnel,
A light.

It pushes me on, pushes me past
the next ‘finish’ line
to the next thing on the list
To reach and reach to the last
Where I will surely find
What I’ve been waiting for
I hope, I hold out,
I look out for
Just what I want
And nothing more.
Have you not earned it?
[It implores.]

It comes into my thoughts
At just the right time.
Or the wrong time
Depending how one sees it
If one sees what is good
For oneself -- or for right now,
As being the same thing, or not.

Well, It doesn’t tell me this
But I’m kind of wondering
If the difference between the two
can be great.

At the end of the day It won’t say
Refusing to disclose the ‘right’ way
Because It really doesn’t know
in any case.

Who can know what is good?
I can – I do
I just don’t know what is best,
And neither do you
And so we continue
to wait

For the sake of accountability... plus WWSD.

2011-07-03T10:20:00.004+10:00

Here's how my exercise schedule is going to look from now on:

Mondays - either walk home from work (5km)* or play tennis with DE group who play at a friend's court every second Monday.
Tuesdays - either a Body Step class or a Zumba class at the Y.
Wednesdays - a hip hop class with some girls from DE.
Thursdays - same as Tuesdays (Step or Zumba)
Fridays - walk home from work (5km)*
Saturdays - either jog the Kew bike track or go to Step at the Y (depending on the weather).
Sundays - either jog the Kew bike track or go to Body Balance at the Y (depending on the weather).

* means getting the bus/tram to work and taking a backpack with work out gear.

I've exercised (decent exercise) every day for the last week and feel so much better for it. I've also been avoiding sugar and eating fairly well. My sleep has been better but there were two nights where it wasn't my fault that I wasn't in bed by 11:30! I can just hear my Dad telling me how it is my fault and that I have to take responsibility and blah blah blah... well one of the reasons was going to a friend's gig and it ran way over... the other time was a girls movie night and I can't exactly leave (and yank K out the door) when the movie hasn't finished! But the point is I'm going to bed as soon as I get the chance... rather than going 'Mmmm, what can I do now' when it's past midnight already...

I've got a great plan though. Instead of asking WWJD (well, I never actually was into that but for the sake of explanation) I'm asking WWSD? S is pretty much the most sensible (which, as a teenager, I used to find unbearably boring) and moderate/balanced person I know. I barely ever see her anymore but we were in the same friendship group at school. She always studied when she was meant to be studying, and indulged in some R'n'R only when she had earned it (ie after doing home work/working, on holidays, weekends). She exercised regularly, ate a mostly healthy diet (but still indulged now and then), went to bed at a sensible hour, and had a job outside of school and didn't spend the earnings on booze or cigarettes but on good quality things that she needed/wanted. Even beyond school, she did things like work at the night club that we all went to on a Saturday night. So while we were wasting money on getting 'trolleyed' (love that expression) every Saturday night, S was earning money and still seeing us all.

S wasn't/isn't my idol or anything - there are lots of things she doesn't do that I think should be done (talking about social justice/ethics/faith stuff etc). There are things that I'm quite happy not to emulate. She was one of those generally nice people but was never into anything radical when it came to her faith. Which is OK for her but I'm just emphasising that that the whole WWSD is only in relation to things like health and time management - practical stuff.

As I often don't make the best decision around my health and practicalities I figured I needed some kind of constant to look to, to rely on. So even though I never see S anymore at all, I'm just going to try to do roughly what she would do when it comes to sleep/ diet/ exercise/ money/ work-life balance etc. Not forever of course, just a few months to get on track.

It may sound ridiculous but it has kind of helped. I don't naturally behave that sensibly so the motivation to make those choices, well... it's hard to break old, old habits. But doing it this way makes it almost like an experiment, a game. And actually involves less thinking. I just try and do what I think she'd do in regards to that stuff. I'm not so immature as to see her way of doing things as boring anymore - but I wanna make sure that later on there's the flexibility to let loose sometimes, break those rules, have some fun... Although if I'm being truly balanced (and she is pretty balanced), that should already be incorporated in the there.

Health - discipline [boring post]

2011-06-29T15:03:00.004+10:00

Alright, so... although I'm healthier than I once was, I'd still like to be a lot healthier.

I've kind of reconciled myself to the fact that so much of my pay cheque goes to things related to my health. But I guess health has to be right up to the top of the priorities, right? I should probably get my health in order before thinking about going overseas etc.

My sleep routine has improved heaps since starting full time work for obvious reasons. I typically wake up at about 8 but I'm still not going to sleep until somewhere between 12 and 1 most nights (sometimes later). And that's taking it's toll so I'm aiming to get up at 7:30 every morning and be in bed by 11 every night. If I'm not immediately tired I can read until 11:30...

Then there's exercise. Full time work kind of took me a few steps backwards with this 'cos it knocked me on my ass plus I of course have less time. But I'm making it a priority now... I'm gonna aim to walk to a bus stop 30 mins away every morning and get the bus to work. Plus do a couple of classes (zumba, step or yoga) at the Y in Hawthorn with K. Plus tennis every second Monday (friend's got a court). Possibly adding in hip hop on Wednesday nights too with some girls from donny east. The aim is to do some kind of exercise pretty much every day.

My diet is not that bad - I have yogurt and a piece of fruit every morning, and eat pretty decent meals like curry with rice and honey mustard chicken with rice and sushi and risotto (can't tell my housemate is gluten free, can you). We tend to snack on hummus... but also, all things chocolatey and delicious. I've cut way back on sugar because of my stupid @#$&@^%@#* ear... but now whenever I indulge even a little bit it brings on a raging ear ache which can only be relived by putting a heat pack on it or steaming it. Think I need to go to the specialist about that (plus about 5 other things though so little chance of that happening any time soon). I'm taking probiotics every day and the yogurt and hardly any sugar... it's such a pain in the ass this stupid ear infection! Anyway, I guess I should just keep avoiding sugar like the plague... *sigh* I'm resigned to that too, even though I love the stuff.

Then there's caffeine. I was having between 3 and 4 cups of coffee a day and feeling the effects too (the good and the bad ones). So I cut back to one coffee a day plus tea... which I've managed to stick to for the last week. Well. Bar 2 days... anyway, that's still progress! A bit of caffeine is alright but 4 full strength coffees a day is not good. I still have no preservatives/ msg/ colours of course. Which cuts out most soft drink... and fast food.

Those are the three fundamentals of health, I guess - diet, exercise, sleep. On top of that, if I have any money left at all after that, oh plus the bare necessities, I wanna try this acupuncturist in my suburb who comes highly recommended by a friend (and her entire extended family, apparently). He's supposed to be amazing. I do miss Lindy... not that she was an acupuncturist. But I think natural health treatments definitely have their place, and can really help, especially when you're like me and have a million different chronic health issues.

Oh at least the meralgia parasthetica has gotten better! I may have to wear my pants up around my arm pits but hey, I can feel my legs! Awesome. I think it was being made a lot worse by having to sleep on the floor - and as of a few weeks ago, I've got a mattress again. So that's some good news health-wise, at least.

2011-06-16T23:37:00.001+10:00

Would Jesus support the notion of democracy?

Is it self pity if you're just stating the facts?

2011-06-13T23:45:00.003+10:00

I guess it depends on which facts you focus on... let's take my employer. They tell us two weeks ago that we are 'required' to work the public holiday. I didn't think that was legal but anyway. Then a few days beforehand they announce that 'we've arranged it so it's only a half day!' as if we should all be excited that we're now sacrificing our long weekend but only getting half the big pay packet to make it worth it. Then come Friday (yes, the day before the long weekend) they tell half the people not to come in anymore at all. We get paid peanuts and treated like garbage. I'm sure those people would've had time to plan to go away or make full use of their long weekend, being told the day before and all! What employer forces people to work only 4 hours on a public holiday? Is it just to ruin it, for sport? Seems almost cruel.

On the other hand, on a brighter note, I'm getting excited at planning an adventure overseas - solo. As it's my first attempt I'm thinking New Zealand. I was aiming much higher (Canada) but now think that might be too ambitious considering the timeframe. So that's exciting. I've got some NZ friends who may be able to hook me up with some sort of program over there... I dunno. But I'm thinking of going in October.

Then there's more health problems that keep on piling up. The sore neck, whiplash injury from last year's car accident, the chronic ear infection or whatever it is, the insomnia, the migraines blah blah blah ghhg hghghhg ... and I've had numb/tingley/stinging thighs for ages now (years), on and off. Well it's been flaring up heaps lately and it turns out I probably have Marelgia Parasthetica (sp?). So that's pleasant. I went to get acupuncture done for that today but the guy said it'd be too much for my body or something... so he did remedial massage and cupping. Cupping was not fun :( Anyway it didn't fix anything, or so it seems. It seemed to help afterwards but my hips are soo tight and my legs are still numb and weird... how can one person have this many health problems? Doctor wants me to go to the neurologist. Probably need to take precautions re other reasons for the numb thigh thing... also though to apparently treat the MP. Surgery is the extreme form of treatment, let's hope it doesn't come to that! There are health problems I don't even bother mentioning on here, who has the time? I literally have that many healthy problems that I forget half of them with each new practitioner I see.

My health has probably deteriorated since I'm not seeing Lindy anymore. I tried seeing a chiro here but I dunno, didn't stick to it... I think I should try yoga?

I shouldn't really complain. I'm doing pretty well all things considered. Yeah I feel sad, yeah I miss D but life has this way of continuing... ya get used to feeling a little bit miserable I guess. There's so much more I could write about it but it's too late. Definitely bed time.

Tough

2011-05-29T17:18:00.003+10:00

I've been doing it so tough lately. D and I broke up.

Just when you think you can't take anymore, something else happens. You realise that you can survive - literally, that you didn't die like you thought you would - but it takes its toll and you're left kind of sick.

I feel like a whole part of me is missing and it just really sucks - sucks more than I can ever say. I don't know how I haven't just 100% collapsed. I truly don't understand how I've managed to avoid that, so I suppose I put that down to God. But I was so terrified of being completely consumed with pain so I've done all I can to somehow feel better and deal with it the best I can.

Staying busy helps, to a degree. You can distract all you want but those feelings are still there to deal with when all is done. That's what hurts. I can somehow still enjoy myself a little when I'm doing things with friends. But there's this darkness that I'm scared of - so I have to keep working at keeping it from sneaking in and taking over. Tactics for doing this include: focusing on doing things for other people, shopping, taking up hobbies (card making at present), buying books, reading, watching DVDs (buying DVDs), catching up with friends in person or on the phone, playing with animals, going to church, cleaning, drastically changing my hair, working over time, singing at a karaoke bar, playing 'words with friends', playing board games.... oh yeah, and smoking. It's unfortunate for my lungs (don't bother informing me) but it helps me deal with everything. And at the moment I can't really afford to not do something that helps. But don't worry, it's only short term.

Anyway, all these things drown out the sadness temporarily. That's the problem though, I keep having to top up all the time, it's like sand in a jar with a hole in it, if it runs out I'm in big trouble so I have to keep replacing it. Which is clearly a never ending and ultimately futile endeavour, I guess. But it's all better than getting drunk all the time or not eating or quitting my job and throwing in the towel with everything. Or worse.

I find myself alternately praying all the time, and then hardly praying at all. Equally I can go from hope to despair. I guess the longer it goes since we broke up, the more it becomes a feeling of despair because the part of me that is in denial can't hold up anymore to the mounding evidence that it's most likely 100% over.

Work started firing some of the temps - luckily I wasn't one of them, but it's been stressful. We had a meeting and they told us that they didn't have enough work to keep all of us and they'd see what they 'could do'... now they want us to work up to two days in the call centre (major demotion) and three days in our regular positions. There's no way I worked my butt off at uni to work in a call centre for terrible pay. So a friend from work and I have made it clear we wouldn't be interested. Of course my bank account balance may force me to be interested, depends on if anything else comes up. A friend who knows someone at the guide dogs vic said there's a reception/admin position vacant. At least I'd be working for something I believe in?! But I don't need or want reception/admin... maybe they'd notice my skills and qualifications and utilise these more and eventually offer me something in my line of work... I don't know.

Plus I have made friends at my job, who have become part of my support network. It would be a little silly to change yet another aspect of my life. I've been effectively homeless for 6 weeks - staying on people's floors, and now at a friend's family's house (I have a room which is absolute luxury after not having one for nearly a month while going through a break up!) which is way out, but they're lovely and the place is lovely... but anyhow, all that disruption to my routine was hard enough, a change in job may tip me over the edge at this point, so I dunno what I'll do.

Guess I better go do some stuff since it's Sunday evening. I need to make my first attempt at styling my new hair cut... she didn't make it look too hard?? I've just never had hair this short before.

trap

2011-04-20T18:42:00.003+10:00

I don't get that sense of freedom that some people seem to think comes with our capitalist society. I mostly feel trapped.

Trapped in a boring job. Trapped having to pay rent to someone, somewhere unless i hover at my parents' place forever.

Trapped by costs like car registration and HECS fees... I dunno.

When is all of that hard work meant to pay off? Or are we just meant to be kept distracted so that we don't revolt? It's just part of the system that keeps us in line. I know how I sound but it really feels like that sometimes.

I did overtime in my fairly awful job last week. Each minute reminding myself that I was doing this so that I had some money over the break. When you work temp you don't get paid holidays, so this break is going to mean I'll be a little bit broke. Like simply losing around $400. Don't get me wrong, I'll definitely enjoy the time off. But it'll be hard to keep up certain payments.

I haven't been able to enjoy having a full time income for the first time. There's been none of that. It's paying back and paying off and getting back in the black, so they say. But finally it's more even and suddenly there's all these reasons i won't have enough money later and i'd better save up now... [latest thing is car registration now. $500, damnit.]

Anyway so I did the overtime, was quite excited knowing i'd get my payslip today - turns out i'll be getting a marvelous $20 extra. Um, great? I went over the HECS threshold just this week. This is stupid though, because I was trying to save some up since I will be having 3 days off this weekend... but that doesn't count see. I may be broke next week but, look, apparently I was rich enough this week to start paying off my uni fees!

Maybe HECS would be alright if I was on a wage that reflected my degree, but I'm not... now it's not all about money by any means, in fact for me it's almost never about money, but i keep thinking... i'm in a crap job, i still fairly broke, and this is after spending years of my life getting a degree... which i now have to pay off... but there's no benefit. like paying off a car i've never driven, and don't see myself driving any time in the near future.

All the jobs, every one of them, that I actually want require 3-5 years experience. If i have to work in my current job for that long, well, i don't think i'm going to make it, let's put it that way!

I know I can be pretty negative but... ugh. I'm tired, bored, have no time, mildly miserable too big a portion of the time, and not doing anything i actually want to because of lack of time/money/energy... help?

Gotta get out of it myself, hey. But we all know that lots of effort can be put in with absolutely no reward. Blah blah, whatever. Sorry for the depressing post. It's how I feel right now.

So things aren't that bad, really.

2011-04-11T21:17:00.003+10:00

I started eating sugar again and trying to do stuff that I actually like doing. It's been better. But now I'm back at the 'I'm restless and I can't sleep and I'm giving myself a headache by thinking a million things at once' place. This always happens when I start getting excited about stuff again. Sigh. At least I have restavit sleeping pills - they're not that bad as far as sleeping pills go.

I need to start exercising more again. I still do maybe once or twice a week, at best. It's hard with work.

This guy at work (senior to me) has been an absolute douche to me. All attitude and snappiness and general 'won't you just go away'-ness. The guy absolutely hates me. Anyway in the end I had to go to the bigger boss about it, so that wasn't awkward at all! But it's fine now.

I don't expect everybody to like me, but I don't know why I'm sometimes the target for complete assholery (or bitchery). But now and then I just absolutely cop it for no good reason. I think certain types of people feel contempt for me because I'm a generally nice and sensitive person, and I'll be friendly to someone even if they're not always overly friendly to me. Not that I'm passive, or don't assert myself, but I'm always basically nice. And some people seem to see that as a weakness, or that I do that because I'm just not as sure in myself. Which is total bullshit.

Anyway, the truth is I could analyse this guy, and other people who have hated me, all day and it would be a waste of time. I don't really care that much if someone doesn't like me - I just don't want them to actually be rude to me, because then I have to care - they then make it MY problem that they don't like me. Well this guy can take his attitude and shove it. I think he's just an unhappy person to be honest. He doesn't seem to be bursting with life, let's put it that way. He seems to be a fairly sad sort of guy who has the odd cheery moment. Strange.

But like I said, just about everyone at work is great. It's just that the work is so soul-destroyingly boring. I think every ounce of creativity has been beaten out of me with their repetitive bureaucratic bullshit. It makes me brain run on auto-pilot which really doesn't help when I'm actually trying to write something original or interesting.

I submitted something to the Vic synod magazine the other day. Man, it sucked. Kinda thinking perhaps I shouldn't mention it on here (in case anyway reads this thing and might then seek it out). Really, don't bother, it stinks. I didn't realise how hard it is to find the time to write 300-400 words of something decent when you work full time and your life energy is sucked out of you. I could've written something worse, but also it could've been a whooole lot better.

I've been really into live music lately. I've just kinda of woken up to the fact that hey, I live in Melbourne, a city with an amazing live music scene. And I have not been maximising on that at all. So on sat night we went to this fantastic little cocktail bar that has live jazz music every weekend night. I'd been there before. It's even got virtuacop - that somehow makes it even cooler. I love listening to live music - it makes me feel alive, like I'm really living. I really want to do it more often.

I'm reading George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four at the moment. I figured, why not. I want to try to read some of the classics. I dunno why. Maybe to make me feel like I'm a little more worldly, like I know a thing or two about life. Or something like that. I think I just want to experience it. If it's classic, it must be classic for a reason. I feel the same way about music - major artists from way back. I like to 'rediscover' it. Something about the fact that I'm experiencing it now, whilst everyone else is experiencing the same thing in 2011. Feels like a window to a different era and I like that.

Once again this update is just all over the place. Maybe if I updated more often this wouldn't happen, but it's not often that I'm in the mood for blogging. I may as well go make the most of a quiet hour before bed and pick up 1984.

Skittles and beer??

2011-03-24T20:05:00.002+11:00

So I'm off sugar, and have been off alcohol (bar one occasion) since January.

When exactly am I supposed to start feeling good? The no alcohol, yeah, that's fine I guess. But no sugar? I really don't feel good. I feel like crap. I am so tired and flat and teary. It's been 3 weeks today and I am still craving sugar.

I have basically no appetite, no energy, don't feel like doing anything (very unlike me), feel flat and negative and blah... my mind is slightly clearer I suppose, though not between lunch and dinner(!). I was expecting good things. What the hell??

I feel so utterly BORED! All I want to do is go grab some chocolate and some booze and go and party!

All I do at the moment is work and sleep and wash up. For fuck's sake. I'm so utterly and completely bored. Why don't I have any energy? I'm so frustrated with everything. I think I don't have any energy cos I'm not doing anything that actually like doing.

I don't really feel motivated or excited about much at all lately. Work, money, whoopdie doo. It's all being sensible and healthy and in moderation. Makes me sick, honestly! I need to live a little before I go completely mad!

I don't much like full time work. In the beginning it was fun because I was around people again through the day. And everyone is nice. But now it is just so mind numbing. Good fucking grief!

I'll do anything else - just not this! I am having a moment - whoever is reading will just have to deal with it, sorry.

I haven't felt close to God at all for months. I haven't felt much of anything. I feel like a frozen, numb robot. Like 'survival' is the only mode I run on. It's so depressing. The stuff I normally enjoy just seems like effort. It's not depression exactly - I mean, yes, it is in a way - but it's not quite the same. Because I am able to function. I can work, do whatever around the house, attend things. I just don't really enjoy any of it.

OK there are some rare moments that I enjoy still of course but... it's mostly just doing stuff cos I'm meant to. Who the hell lives this way? What is happening to me? I'm not content. Being this ... sensible? ... is honestly so utterly and completely boring.

Sugar

2011-03-06T13:28:00.002+11:00

Oh God, the love affair is over.

For years I have known, like everyone else, how bad it is to eat as much sugar as I eat. I've known how bad sugar is in general for your health, your weight, your mood and energy levels, lots of stuff.

I guess I've just been resisting this 'remedy' for a long time because I love sugar so much. But this week my doctor told me frankly that I can keep taking antibiotics and feel like crap but still enjoy all the sugary treats I love so much - or I can get off the sugar and feel better and not have to live with infections and stuff.

I asked if there was something else I could take or do and still be able to enjoy all my sweets that have become like a best friend to me (we've been through a lot together!!). He said I could eat my weight in probiotics plus take antibiotic courses on and off and whatever else for any other problems related to eating bucketloads of sugar - but this would be like a smoker exercising to cancel out the smoking. I resisted, smiling sweetly (from all the sugar intake, ha) and saying no, it's not an option, I can't stop the sugar, and explaining that it's not possible for me to cut it out. I really meant it! But then he pressed the point further and I finally said I would try... and if I felt that much dramatically better (in lots of ways) then I would consider it long term.

The most recent problem that led me to the doctor's was an ear infection that I've had for ages - years maybe? Not entirely sure, it would flare up and then die down and then flare up... sometimes for longer and then I'd go to the doctor's. So this is the third doctor and the fourth visit for this problem over the last 12 months and I've just finished a course of strong antibiotics (ear drops and tablets) and when I stopped them it just came right back. And the pain is sooo bad when it flares up - unbearable, and there's nothing I can do to stop it except wait for it to subside.

So, yeah, I've obviously been aware that lots of sugar is bad news all round for your health. But there's some remedies for problems that are 'acceptable' and then some that just aren't, it depends on the person. I just resisted that this could be a serious problem for a long time because of the extent to which I love lollies, cake, slice, sugary drinks, gelato... all my good memories are accompanied by my favourite sweet foods. I know it sounds silly, but I felt sad on the way home. I know, boo hoo, I can't sooth myself with sugar anymore, what a tragedy. But it's just an idea I have to get used to.

Anyway, I've been having sugar free crap to deal with the cravings - my body still isn't fooled that I'm getting sugar but at least it satisfies my mouth in the short term. I usually would never touch artificial sweeteners as they can upset my body too but it's a short term thing. The cravings for sugar are more intense than my wish to avoid the bad effects of artificial sweeteners! For the first bit anyway. So I got myself some sugar free chocolate (you're not meant to have any caffeine either but whatever, it's milk), some sugar free mint breath freshener things, and some splenda (me and Splenda go way back to my dieting days... works OK in cakes etc).

Wish me luck.

2011-02-18T00:13:00.004+11:00

Free fall into this long dance, this dance that teases out into your destiny. A destiny that draws colour; a destiny that moves.

Be about your own politics, pump your fist in the air and know I am.

Tread these steps like they’re a designation from God.

Update! Conversation with myself, really.

2011-02-15T23:11:00.005+11:00

I got a job! It's great. It has been so good to be out of the house working the past two days. It's with a big company - they're fairly laid back though - doing external communications. D works there too - ha! Along with looooots of other people. The application process was quite stringent and the interview had some tough questions. I thought I'd probably lost out to other people and mucked up my (first professional) interview but then they offered me a job! They didn't offer the others in my group (from a recruitment firm) and I was stoked.

The first two days have been training. Long, lots of info, some of it a bit boring I suppose, but I just don't care - being out of the house and around people and actually doing something feels really good. But most of all being able to support myself financially and help D out with rent and everything else, and not have to ask my parents for help with money etc will be great. The freedom to have a bit of extra money to spend it on whatever I like. My first full time job, and it's temp rates (3 month contract), I'll have more money than I know what to do with... I've got plans for that already.

So that's going great. Other things are going well too. I'm sleeping better, I'm getting my health back in order, seeing a chiropractor here (recommended to me)... meeting new people. I'm going to the Guide Dogs Vic Open Day next weekend - one of those perks of being in a big city is little things like that. I've been considering volunteering with them. Or RSPCA. Or an animal shelter... preferably a place that does animal therapy for disadvantaged or troubled kids/ or the sick/elderly... I would just love that. But first I'll get employment down just to make sure I'm coping with all that first. So far the only things bothering me are having to wear make up and having to make my wild hair look somehow neat and tidy and 'corporate'. Oh and finding enough corporate looking clothes. I'm doing OK so far...

I've been reading again. John Marsden's Tomorrow series, all over again! This will be the... who knows, millionth time I've read them. They're still just as good - he's such an incredible writer. Reading it reminds me of what got me into creative writing in the first place - his books. I used to not get out of bed till 2pm on Saturdays cos I'd be reading his books. So I feel like trying my hand at some creative writing again. We'll see...

We're also planning on doing a marathon. D already did a 10k one but he walked about 1/4 of it. We want to do a 5k one and run the whole lot. That'll take some training - but that's the point. What else? D wants to join some kind of hiking group I think. There's so many things I want to do/ see/ join/ learn. Now that I'll be getting an income, I really want to do a photography course at RMIT. There are ones that run 6-8 weeks for about $600. Only problem is I don't have an SLR ;-) ... kind of puts a spanner in the works. And they're pretty expensive. Maybe I'll try to scout one out on ebay for cheap...

Anyway, books I've got waiting, or on the go (if you're interested!):
3rd book in the Tomorrow series
Stephen Fry's latest autobiography 'Fry'
Stephen Fry's earlier one 'Moab is my washpot'
Wishful Drinking - Carrie Fisher's autobiography (great name)
Unbearable Lightness - Portia Di Rossi's autobiography about her battle with an eating disorder

So I've got books exciting me, a new job exciting me, my birthday in a few days (and a trip to the zoo - it will be great to see some animals, I'm so excited!) and a small party for Saturday... things with D are great especially now that we're really settled here and getting into a groove and both working, meeting new people... OH and I almost forgot to add - we found a church home. So happy about that. I was really, really craving a church to call our own. We were a bit lost there with nowhere to really go for a few months and then a friend of mine invited us to come to his church. Bingo - small, 90% of people in our age group, progressive, fun, interested in outreach, and upbeat. D loves it too. We've been there twice now and looking forward to it again this Sunday... just feels so good to be part of a faith community again.

I'm really getting all my ducks in a row, which feels good! I wonder if that saying is about shooting ducks... :-/ ... never really thought of that before... anyway. I'm again considering becoming vegetarian, or just less of a carnivore. I looked up pictures of baby cows and piglets the other day. I wish my body dealt well with going off meat. I hate the fact that animals have to die so I can eat them! I was vego once, I'm sure I could do it again, but I'd have to be so careful with getting in all my nutrients... it never works out well when I try these days. Meat seems to make me feel physically better - it's very annoying. I don't know, we'll see what happens.

No alcohol for one year!

2011-01-24T23:56:00.002+11:00

Yep, I'm going alcohol-free from 25.1.11 to 25.1.12. No exceptions - not even for birthdays, NYE, graduation etc.

If anyone wants to join you're more than welcome! (no it doesn't count if you're already a teetotaler, you know who you are! :p)

Thing is, I have to find a replacement drink... and I already can't have 99% of soft drinks because of the preservatives they put in them. Most bars and pubs have preserved OJ, too. Coke doesn't have any, but too bad it's evil. Kinda just leaves soda water and fresh lime/lemon... or milk. Ha.

Wish me luck! Or tell me you don't think I can do it. Either would help. ;-)

Job hunting: super-corporate me?

2011-01-20T23:04:00.004+11:00

So I bought a Calvin Klein business suit in my size off ebay... it's 'secondhand' but new still with tags... it cost me $60. Good deal if a) it arrives and b) it fits well. Guess we'll find out...

My friend who works at a recruitment firm thought that as a young professional in Melbourne I should try to look the part. Guys who go for jobs are expected to wear suits - it's a similar thing. Just shows you're taking it seriously I guess.

I'm just not a corporate person at all though. I know I need to learn to do the basics in order to get a job and get the experience I need. I want experience with communications/ media/ marketing in the corporate/commercial world so that I can then get a job at an NGO or not-for-profit later on and use the knowledge and experience I've gotten. With no experience, NGOs and non-profits won't really give you much of a go. They want someone with a bit of experience, and I understand that. So this is what I gotta do.

I wanted to buy a CUE suit because (some? most? all?) their products are certified with 'Ethical Clothing Australia' which means they were made in Australia. And fairly, no homeworkers getting paid $3 an hour either. But a new CUE suit costs hundreds of dollars. Like $600 of 'em. I wouldn't even ask my parents to front that kind of money for clothing.

If the suit thing doesn't work out - ie. if I get too chicken to spend that amount of money on one outfit, even if my parents help me out - then I'll use my black stylish looking work pants (a $50 investment from a few months ago!) and just get a simple black suit jacket. That'll have to do!

I've put in for a few roles, mostly ones with 'assistant' or 'junior' in the title. That's where you gotta start, and that's OK with me. It's just that there aren't many assistant or junior communications roles - they're usually more senior roles. So I have to go for other office admin stuff to get my foot in the door - like PA roles, marketing comms roles, things like that...

I have some ridiculous notion that I'm different and not employable like the other 95% of the population. That I for some reason won't be physically or mentally able to work. It's stupid, I know. I'm a capable person. I've got some health problems but I can learn and handle life. Somehow I know that but don't really believe it, it's weird. It's like I think I've been pretending it all this time, keeping everyone fooled, and nobody has worked out that I'm a fraud yet but it's only a matter of time. I'm pretty sure that's a common mental complex for those of us who are a little neurotic. :)

Anyway, as my friend said, I just need to keep trying and learning and just go for it. She said "If you mess up just don't tell anybody! And move on. Screw up maybe, but who cares? Try again, try something else. You can do it, you're not stupid." She's right. Every time I prove to myself that I'm capable of doing something that everyone else can, I feel better, I gain a little bit more of my confidence back. But sitting on my arse being scared of an opportunity coming my way is so silly.

I wrote a poem:

coming in from the outside rain, she catches a reflection that seems just like her
face heavily tamed, the auto-pilot of one who just carries on
who asks for a lesser schedule, to be held less responsible
asks more for less and less

she’s never believed she can be all she’s supposed to be
seeing all the god damn success on the god damn TV
now at 23 she skirts the spotlight, manic with fright
because she can’t manage all the ‘gifts’ imposed on her life
well, gifts are only pressure, you see

all the efficient time-savers, and [waste of] space makers
leave her wanting only the luxury of a slow country breakfast
and permission to not run at full speed

because all this underperforming is so soul-deforming
using the time-sucks of life conscientiously ignoring
chances to prove that she can’t succeed

oh, how to not live life quite so seriously,
to not shy away from an inviting breeze?
to express herself loudly with ease
and see that to try is to do much more than succeed

Refining my goals a little bit

2011-01-18T16:39:00.003+11:00

So all the usual boring stuff I wrote before is pretty much ongoing so why pretend i've all of a sudden committed to it - i haven't! Here are the special goals, and there are deliberately few of them, for this year:

- write every single day, for pleasure. include stream of consciousness and journalling. it helps me to free my mind from all this crap - and open it up to get to the good stuff.
- get something published. somewhere. preferably paid! and other than UCA publications, which is too easy :P
- get a job. (don't laugh.)
- find a way to get some animal contact. volunteer at an animal shelter, work at an animal boarding place, or help out or at one of those programs where animal contact is used as therapy for troubled kids.

that's it. those are the ones that are going to stick - those are the things I want to do in 2011. :)

A specific goal I left off the list

2011-01-09T23:21:00.001+11:00

I am going to give this one my best shot - get an article published in a mainstream newspaper in 2011. In other words... get paid for writing something!

I've already written up my first draft. Wish me luck!

Goals for 2011

2011-01-04T23:43:00.002+11:00

Here for accountability and in no particular order:

- Start keeping a hand-written journal again. Best tool to gain insight into myself.
- Exercise 5 x a week.
- Go to bed before 12pm, get up by 8pm, with the occasional exception. (This resolution/goal never changes. It's like motivation or discipline just doesn't apply to sleep. When I get a job, that'll obviously change. Thank goodness as getting up at 10 am is crap.)
- Don't overeat at all. Eat smaller portions whilst still eating enough. Make healthier choices.
- Get a job that I feel proud of. Be good at it.
- Find a holistic chiropractor or some sort of natural therapy here.
- Read 30 books.
- Overcome/manage several health problems.
- Travel.
- Be a better partner, friend, daughter.
- Find the balance between helping others and taking care of my own needs.

That's it. Will review these in 2 months time...

Holy moley, what a year 2010 was!

2011-01-03T17:42:00.002+11:00

A great deal happened in 2010. It was a year jam-packed full of ups and downs.

It began with an intensive journalism internship in Sydney with a magazine I respect. It was challenging but I'm proud of what I achieved and the feedback I got.

During this time we had a car accident that left me with a whiplash injury and a concussion. I stupidly jumped on a plane straight after it and spent the flight in tears and wondering if I was going to pass out. Luckily the cabin crew were really good about it and surprisingly considerate. The concussion only lasted a few days but the whiplash still flares up, which sucks.

Straight after my internship, I moved to WW and in with D. Leaving Wollongong was a big enough step in itself - returning 'home' was also hard in some ways - but moving in with a partner was a first for me. It hasn't always been easy, to be honest. Living with a partner really drastically changes the dynamics. And we'd only been together for 5 months before I moved in. This decision was partly due to me having no income as I was still at uni so it seemed to make sense to just move in with D. There have been lots and lots of fun times though, but it has certainly been a steep learning curve for me.

Then D quit his job. He wasn't happy in it so this was a step forward, enabled by the fact that his car was written off by the accident so he got a pay-out. We shared my car. So he was unemployed for almost 3 months - meaning we spent 3 months together at home, him searching for work and me doing full time distance uni. No matter how much you love someone, that is a LOT of time to spend together! So that was a first, too.

Then, we ran out of money and moved to Melbourne without a secure source of income between us - though D had some temp work tentatively arranged (they can cancel temp work with only a few hours' notice). At the same time, I was nearing the 3/4 way mark of my last semester of uni and assignments were coming in fast. It felt like almost all I did for about a month and a half was uni work/ helping D with applications/ packing/ cleaning/ unpacking/ househunting. Never before have I been so stressed out. During that time I was having around 6 pepsi cans a day because I was so exhausted and doing so much all at once. I was not sleeping well - I was a mess. Earlier in the semester I got a bad mark for an important subject - so I was hellbent on doing everything exactly right for the rest of the semester. We stayed with a friend for a while and I would spend days in a row in or on a bed - either sleeping (at night) or reading and writing for an assignment (in the day). There was nowhere else to go as at times there were 5 people staying in the two bedroom place. So many late nights, so much caffeine.

Then we got a place - yay! In our price range, great location, nice looking and fairly newly renovated. We signed the lease - too easy. The next day, D got a call about the job he tentatively had - it had been cancelled. My stress levels knew no bounds at this point. What the fuck were we going to do?? Savings were all dried up.

In the next week he was thankfully able to pick up some other temporary work. He's been working there since - not so temporary since he's been making a real effort and they want to keep him on. Too bad the job itself, and pay, really sucks.

Anyway, the removalists came and we began moving in... we had to buy stuff, we had to clean, we had to decide how to cram all our stuff into a lil one bedroom place. And then, I had 3 major things due in a really short period of time. Talk about putting a strain on a still-fairly-new relationship. Those couple of weeks I think of as torture. D working a shit job with shit pay to make ends meet, me doing uni work all day and night (catching up bits I hadn't done during the move down) and preparing for exams. All the while, unpacking and sorting all of our stuff.

So, I finished uni. And I still maintained my distinction average, and I'm proud of that considering all the adversity this year has brought. After my final exam I think I felt numb. I was so beyond mentally and physically exhausted. I slept till 3pm one day. I got migraines (after effects of so much stress). I had to start taking something to sleep again. It was over - I'd done it. I'm so glad it's done. Monash still found a way to get to me, even after I had finished my last exam. They gave me the wrong final mark for a subject - a P instead of a HD. Good one, dickheads.

Now, I'm transitioning into a completely new phase in my life - WORKING. I'm scared, I'm apprehensive, I'm a little unsettled, I don't really know what to expect. Will I be able to work full time, can I handle it? What will they expect of me, will I disappoint them? What if I just don't get a job, maybe nobody will want to hire me? I have applied for a marketing and comms job with an ethical org working for a cause I've been deeply passionate about for years. If I get that job it would be truly perfect, so fingers crossed!

It's a new city, a new phase... I have fallen apart, to be honest, several times this past year. But somehow I feel positive coming into 2011. I've got ideas, I've got resources at my disposal, I've got motivation (somehow), and I've definitely got opportunities all around me! I don't have money, but I will soon. D and I are looking forward to a few "boring" months to begin with, hold the drama please! I've got some appointments and things I need to work hard on to get my health back on track, but they're all underway. Hopefully we'll join a church soon. We've tried a few but haven't had success with that yet. I'm sure we'll find one soon though.

One thing this year has proved to me though is that I have some wonderful people in my life, and not just including the ones in Melbourne either. I'm so blessed to know such truly amazing people. I'm really thankful for that and it keeps me going. I believe God provides in lots of ways - I think he has taken care of me this past tough year through the endless support of my loved ones. If you're one of them and you're reading this, thank you so much!

2010 is over and I'm pretty pleased to see the arse end of it! D and I are building a life together here - and in 2011, I choose to look up and forward.

Grateful.

2010-12-19T23:49:00.012+11:00

Times get tough, really tough. But I'm feeling happy right now.

I'm so grateful for all the wonderful things I've been given.

I'm thankful for my incredibly amazing friends who I cherish so much, several of whom are here in Melbourne.
I'm thankful for the nice little unit we have that is so reasonably-priced in a good location in an expensive city.
I'm thankful for my wonderful boyfriend who loves me very much, despite there being many reasons not to.
I'm thankful for two truly amazing parents who have instilled me in the values of love, faith, honesty, decency, and joy.
I'm thankful for the most adorable pets - even though they're back at home - who I can come home and visit and enjoy cuddling with.
I'm thankful for my health right now.
I'm thankful for these wonderful little pills called multivitamins that help me keep strong and healthy and can come in different types to fit my particular needs - and two months' worth are available for me to buy just 10 minutes down the road for the cost of a meal.
I'm thankful for having financial help when I need it, I'll never go hungry.
I'm thankful for my car - what's more, a car with an LPG tank put in by my dad to make fuel a heck of a lot cheaper.
I'm thankful for my beach boys greatest hit CD which makes me smile and dance a little bit when I wash the dishes.
I'm thankful for the means to contact dear friends anywhere across the world.
I'm thankful for almost unlimited access to the internet, which includes a wealth of knowledge and information a few clicks away.
I'm thankful for the books that I can buy cheap and second-hand that I can spend the holidays enjoying.
I'm thankful for the skills I've learned that I can use to apply for my dream job - I'm thankful that I match the criteria for this job, feel passionate about it, and the timing is perfect.
I'm thankful for warm, fleecy jumpers for when cold changes comes through.
I'm thankful that I come into contact with so many beautiful people so often and never really have to fear for my own safety at all.
I'm thankful for God whom I have to rely on.
I'm thankful for my life that I have been given to enjoy and to use to enrich the lives of others.

I am truly blessed. Thank you God.

and just for fun, 'cos I'm thankful for all animals... I met this curly-lashed guy at the animal enclosure in WW.

Books... and 'Infidel'

2010-12-14T14:33:00.003+11:00

Books give my life meaning. Not only books of course but they do have a special affect on me. When I was younger I would read a lot in my spare time (which, naturally, I had a lot more of back then). I would spend all Saturday morning reading in bed. I would read at night during the week (and often go to school on 5 hours sleep). I've always loved reading. I think that's what made me a good writer growing up. And I was, I was talented. Then somewhere along the line, it seemed I ran out of time for reading books much. This affected my writing - reading is vitally important to maintain good writing skills - and somehow as things fell apart, I lost the motivation to read. Too many distractions, 'not enough time', TV takes less energy and is more social, lack of good backs at my disposal... lack of money to buy good books. There's a lot more reasons than that - something else took over my life for a while there, at an important time in my development... anyway. I never completely gave up reading - I have almost always had some books on the go. But it used to be a daily thing. One thing I can say for the last few years is that even if not reading a book, I have read blogs (not just friends') and online articles every day - only the well-written ones. But it's still not the same as curling up with a good book.

I've been finished uni for a few weeks now - and it has felt good to be able to read again. I'm reading a book given to me for my 21st birthday (case in point) called 'Infidel' by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. Great book - a friend bought it for me as I told him I love biographies. Already I've noticed words are more accessible to me on the spot - my brain is simply happier when I'm reading lots. Getting into a good book - engrossing myself in someone elses' story - helps me when things get tough. It's an amazing distraction from my own worries - of which, at the moment, I do have a few. I won't put the main one on here - most of those close to me know, anyway, and I appreciate the thoughts, thank you.

Today I've been helping a friend write a promo for AboutFACE - it's part of her job but she thought it might be a nice distraction, plus she was having complete mental blanks. It's nice to feel useful - will be exciting when I can get paid for it, though.

I suppose I should also mention a little more about 'Infidel'. Basically it's about the author's life growing up as a female in a strict Muslim household (in Somalia, Ethiopia, and Kenya). I'm about 1/3 of the way through. Some of what she writes is pretty shocking - the parts about female circumcision are particularly awful. But it makes me so thankful as a woman to live in Australia. Sexism still abounds in a different way, yes, but at least we can make choices for ourselves. At least girls don't get their genitals cut up and sewn when they're small children, only to be ripped open again by their husband (a stranger chosen by the father who may be double their age). All this to ensure virginity on the wedding night. As Ayaan describes the process - it's physical assault and a kind of rape. What's worse, it is then celebrated by a room full of people when the bloodied sheets are brought out for all to see. Absolutely scary.

Hmmm.

2010-12-06T14:52:00.002+11:00

Life is full of trouble and trials. Jam-packed full. Reminding myself that problems are normal - and there'll always be some - seems to make me feel better. Sometimes I think I get stuck in some notion that problems are abnormal. That things are meant to go my way. Why? Why should everything go my way, to my plan? There's no reason why everything should fall into my lap.

Accepting that life is packed full of problems frees me up to actually deal with them. Rather than seeing an obstacle as a one-off that's been lopped on me that I need to get past in order to get on with real life - this is totally dysfunctional. Problems are just everywhere and a big part of life is using what we have to deal with them the best way we know how. To change up our perspective and see things fresh and new and tackle them head on. I know I probably sound like a wanker but reminding myself of this helps me.

Things are so far from perfect... and accepting now unperfect they are makes everything easier to deal with. And it means that at times when there are no problems, I actually feel thankful because that's a gift rather than something I'm somehow entitled to.

Plus, dealing with problems feels good. And the more creative the solution, the better! The problem is when sometimes problems just can't seem to be dealt with... making that switch to accepting what you can't change is a tough one (no shit, I know). I've always hated the expression 'do your bit' or 'doing my bit' - as if doing the right thing or trying to make the world a better place is like 10% of your life and you just need to do your 'little bit' and tick it off for the week/month/year. But I guess it reflects a necessary balance - we all need to take care of ourselves as well as trying to take care of others. I'm not very good at balance but I'm trying to be. And in some ways, ALL of us doing our 'bit' could make huge changes in our world, for the better. I just worry that too many people don't do anything so my bit should somehow compensate.

Someone whose opinion I value said to me the other day that God is the one who created this world with its injustice and pain and suffering - "that's his pigeon". That we should try but not rely on getting the result in order to feel OK. And not to live life constantly feeling guilty because it is not my fault (or yours) that there's third world poverty or whatever else. God created this world and that's for him to deal with - this of course means through us, yes, but we shouldn't try, individually, to take on all the pain and suffering. It's too much. It's OK that I have good fortune, that I'm blessed. As long as I don't waste it - as long as I'm thankful and as long as I try to live my life the best way I can and for God's will.

I so need to get past this guilt.

So I'm trying to get back to basics - figure out the small stuff, the basic stuff that more functional people seem to master a lot earlier than me ;-) ... and just maybbe be transformed by the renewing of my mind.

a night[mare] in the life of an insomniac

2010-11-10T10:59:00.005+11:00

I think it's about time I started making my insomnia productive. Insomnia is nothing new for me at all... though the last few days have been quite out there.

I've been having anxiety attacks around 2-4am - pretty sure it's related to exams and probably what will happen afterwards (ie. no more coushy uni holidays but need to start working which makes me very nervous). Anyway so night before last this happened but it was really quite bad - I'd already taken a sleeping tablet to no avail so around 4:30am I resorted to something stronger I had and finally got to sleep around 5. Set alarms. Do not remember turning my alarm off at all (which was apparently on a table a few feet from the bed so I would've had to have actually gotten up! Scary that I don't remember this). I fitfully woke up at 2:15PM. Checked my mobile, didn't believe it, so checked a clock out in the living room. Pretty sure that's a record sleep in for me, even when drugged! So I was pretty pissed off - all that study time gone, but the worst thing was that I knew I'd find it even more insanely difficult to get to sleep last night. I've been exercising every day to avoid this exact problem, yesterday was no exception.... but still 2 different types of sleeping tablets and a few episodes of Arrested Development later, I fell asleep at 6:30am. The sun was up before I'd gotten any sleep (which if you've been in that situation, only perpetuates the 'OMG I'm not sleeping' cycle). In order to be able to get to sleep tonight, I got up at 9:30am so that's 3 hours sleep. Not sure if I've ever had this number of hours of sleep before, feeling a tad dizzy and weak but my brain is still ticking away so I just hope it'll tick over properly for me tomorrow for the 2 exams and then it can do whatever the hell it wants after that!

Tragic

2010-11-08T15:12:00.004+11:00

I've been so distracted the past few days... the little aussie girl missing - it's been all over the news - in the US... not really missing, but almost certainly murdered... I knew/know the biological mother. Not very well these days, dropped off her FB a while ago. But it's just... so sad. I can't stop thinking about it. Last night I was up till way too late reading as much as I could find about it - trying to piece it all together since it seems that heaps of information is being withheld from the public (I'm sure for good reason). The whole thing is just so incredibly perplexing and disturbing. And the fact that I know a person directly involved is really scary. I can't really contact her now but I keep thinking about her and hoping she's OK. There's not any hope at all now that the little girl is still alive. The circumstances surrounding it all are so sickening. I couldn't sleep last night and had to sedate myself - I know that, knowing how I am, I shouldn't read too much about it... but it's the not knowing what has gone on. And that must be absolutely killing the biological mother if it's getting to me and so many other people who aren't directly involved.

The girl survived cancer twice... she was kept from her mother for almost her entire short life. She seems to have had to survive a lot. And by the sounds of it she was an extremely sweet and lovely little girl. I can only think 'evil' in this case... pure evil. And I'm not really one to talk like that about crime/criminals. But the whole thing... if you haven't been following it, probably best not to for your own sake. It really is a God awful mess.

I pray that she is at peace now and the the biological mother can find some peace and closure soon, too.

Sometimes things just don't feel right

2010-11-04T23:52:00.004+11:00

Sometimes I just don't really know where to go. things just don't feel right. And I don't really know how to get them right again or fix them, but they do sort themselves out. It's just... a feeling of discontent. Or nostalgia. Perhaps even boredom or pure frustration. It's not that I have nothing to do - it's that it just kills me to sit behind a computer screen studying all day. And I keep thinking, not too long now, over soon... but then I have to work. A slave to that instead. Yeah, I'll be getting in some money... not sure I really give a shit about having any extra money. I know that I need it for like, living and whatnot, but... God I dunno.

I keep getting fooled temporarily into believing again that money or things can help make me happier. It's just not true. there's certain things that are convenient - smartphones, for example, not that I'd know as I still don't have one... I mean that's the point, I haven't needed one in the true sense of the word or else I'd have one by now.

So then, I've always thought to step away from materialistic stuff, I'd spend money on travel... but that's pretty indulgent. Not all travel full stop. But pure sightseeing or vacationing. Yeah it's nice as a treat, sure, but purely sightseeing or whatever is kind of the same as materialistic stuff for me. It's just consumption.

I feel good when I feel like I'm helping to set things right. I feel good if I'm helping those who are marginalised etc. I feel good at a rally, yelling out the truth to people who mostly don't want to hear it. It feels right to even alienate myself in a conversation with non-churchies/ right-wing/ people who don't give a shit but only care about consumer culture... if it means sticking to my guns. Ha, guns, so to speak, my 'guns' are anti-guns, but anyway...

I enjoy doing these things. It's not a chore for me - it makes me happy. In a way it's kind of selfish - I want to fill my life with these things because, hey, it makes me feel better. It makes me feel good to know that I'm NOT contributing to the injustices and grave imbalances of the world - even better if I feel like I'm helping to set things right, to stand up for the downtrodden. It's what I want to do. The study - God it just depresses me. I'm good at it and therefore, it's like I should just do something academic - but what if it's not for me? What if I don't want to have to wear business clothes and heels and arrive early for work and be professional and competitive and spend a good deal of my time sitting behind a screen... I love my laptop and I love the internet but being at the computer all day is downright sad. It's a mere imitation of real life. I want to be outside - I want to be talking to people or just being around people, sharing food with people, or sharing my money or fortune (in life) with people. I want to be creating - not wealth (though I want to be able to not worry about paying rent) but beauty, life, art....

I'm an idealist and I always will be, but... sometimes I force it down. I force myself to face up to the 'real world'. But why? I like my leftie hippie ideals and I like doing my social justice church stuff and I love not caring about make up and iPhone covers. I mean, fuck it.

The worst part of not adopting all this consumer culture junk is then finding it harder to connect with people who see the world that way. I don't want to not be able to connect with those people, particularly friends, but I have to kind of... pretend. It's sad, though. Some good friends - who do not, by any means, share my political views/ faith/ ideals etc etc - have sort of been... lost is not the word... distanced by the fact that I don't engage in the same stuff. Like I might not be interested in the movies they like. Or the shopping they want to do. Or the music they listen to. Or their opinions, often about things I barely think about... and that seems a bit sad. I mean if I put some extra effort into it, I can find some common ground to relate to them on, and that is of course great.. but it IS an effort.

I went off on a tangent. I swing around so much - well, duh (!) - but I just want to scream to myself to get real, to ultimately do the things I want to do - hopefully God's will - and have faith that somehow it will work out OK. Money is so annoying though... I've been considering selling stuff at weekend markets. Bit of a pipe dream but I guess there's no harm in dreaming... especially if it gets me through exam time.

Stevie Wonder

2010-10-30T18:09:00.004+11:00

It turns out I like Stevie Wonder. I bought his album 'Songs in the Key of Life' today - spent the afternoon listening to it over a cup of tea (with lots of sugar and milk) with the rain pouring down outside. Lovely. this album is uplifting, spiritual, soulful... and just something a bit different. Only thing I don't like about it is it's missing 'Superstitious' which I wanted a copy of.

I have a real thing for older music. D bought a JJJ hottest 100 CD, I wasn't greatly enthused, he said 'why not, this is what you'll be listening to in 20 years time anyway'... hmm.

L-O-V-E love...

2010-10-28T15:33:00.003+11:00

It's interesting when people qualify certain types of love as 'unconditional'. Isn't true love unconditional? Isn't that what love essentially is? Love as opposed to like. The term 'unconditional love' is a tautology, really.

2010-10-17T23:27:00.002+11:00

Part of me can't believe I have made it through the last two months. Sadly, with the help of a lot of pepsi. It has probably been the most stressful time of my whole life. I think I'm still recovering. And the only way to do that is to try and treat myself gently with lots of early nights and exercise - and some balance.

We went to church this morning - it felt so good, I've really missed it. It had been about one and a half months or so. They had a 'bless your pets' day - gorgeous people, it was 'out in the sticks', we travelled half an hour since our friend goes there and we knew it'd be good. I got Jeddha blessed from a far - God knows she needs it ;)

It just felt good to be in fellowship. We don't have a church yet - guess we're church shopping (yay?). We attempted to get out to one several suburbs away and ended up driving around for 1.5 hours... so infuriating. Sometimes google maps really sucks.

Now it all kind of feels... in limbo. Because my life for the past few months has been full of things I have to do, not enjoy or anything else. Full of assignments that simply just need to get done. Full of chores that can't wait. Just so much forcing myself. Which is not always bad but I feel like I've sucked the flavour out of my life a bit. I feel so tired after getting in two essays on Friday. I had a brief moment of euphoria - because now I've got a month and then two exams and I'll be FINITO! - followed by an awful mood just from sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation... turned back into partying when everyone bought me drinks... and then it was hungover + big bad sleep debt. I'm hoping that after a good night's sleep tonight I will wake up tomorrow feeling relatively normal. I can only hope. Chilling out in front of a good tv series feels oddly uncomfortable and I don't like that. My mind is so trained to 'what's there to do, next on the list, come on come on, just keep going'. And it's finding it hard to switch to down time - but I need it.

I dunno. I need relaxing up time, too. So I'm lining up a zumba class, a latin hip hop class, perhaps some yoga in there... walks each day to get things (helps that D has the car all day at work). Hopefully cook up some goodies in the kitchen, just cos I want to, not cos I have to cram in some sustenance - anything - in a study break. And looking for positive things to get involved in, to feel alive again, and to feel that it's all meaningful - or has some magic left. That it's not just all hard work and obligations and chores. I've decided to volunteer at Oxfam's Trailwalker next April - I'm excited about that. I would do it but, er, knowing me, that would just be stupid.

Oh and I'm sure all of this is just reflective of my current over-tired state and the sleep deprivation. Plenty of things and moments in my life have meaning and magic and I feel alive and happy pretty often, I do. Yesterday finally getting to catch up with some of my good Melb friends was fantastic - op shopping then playing chess over a few drinks in the sunny front window at some pot-smoker's paradise (some funky bar - which apparently had an opium den?!) And then Thai on Lygon St and Gelati... with lovely company. I have lots to be thankful for. I think I just need to recover from the absolute insanity of the last few months. Moving interstate is simply huge. + uni by distance - even more huge.

Oh, also - I'm gonna get a damn iPhone... need that convenience factor in this big city. I refuse to allow google freakin' maps to cost me another half a tank in petrol!

A ramble about Jesus, discourses and Singin' in the Rain

2010-10-07T23:34:00.007+11:00

Amongst all the stress and late nights and caffeine addiction, there have been some aspects of study through this gruelling semester of uni that I have actually enjoyed - like looking at discourse and ideology in texts.

Shifting ideologies messes up everything. Shifting to a radical Christian ideology makes life in urban Australia contentious. It gets very confusing as the discourses clash and compete in your head. Everyone needs a stable ideology from which to view the world, to make sense of the world. Things are made sense of through language (we even think in language) and language uses discourses which constitute things like knowledge and power. One thing's for sure - you're not going to win at a game when you're not translating the instructions the same as everybody else. But that's the thing - within my current dominant ideology, it shouldn't matter! (But it kinda does...)

Shane Claiborne is one of the only people I can think of as an example of a person living within a capitalist society who somehow successfully remains true to his views (and survives). Generally, if you don't believe in 'the system', you get eaten alive. It's monstrous. We are brought up knowing how to play dog-eat-dog - once you 'decode' yourself, it's a) hard to go back and b) harder to 'read' the cultural signs as you did before. 'Success' is harder now than it ever used to be before I took a hard look underneath it all. And honestly, I hate to admit, the fact is that as much as capitalism sucks, any alternative yet thought of doesn't seem to work any better. At least in Australia our system is regulated to an extent.

For a recent essay I conducted discourse analysis on 'Singin' in the Rain'. It was pretty interesting. I first watched the film, then tore it apart. At first, I liked it and thought it was cute and clever and entertaining. I still think so but now I also see it as serving a whole other purpose, too - to perpetuate the myth of the Utopian capitalist society. In the end, a 'nobody' (Kathy) gets to become a 'somebody' through honest, hard-working means (and talent, of course). The outcome is fair - Lina 'the bitch' loses her career, and Kathy 'the good girl' gains one - and romance ends happily ever after.

During the entire movie, nobody ever gets tired or sick or sad (beyond an artificial sadness). Nobody is shown as unemployed or poor. And to boot, there are no black people in the film. The three main characters (one of whom is in their 30s) stay up till 1 in the morning without appearing the least bit tired. It's a week night, they're not drinking, just talking, and they start singing 'ain't it great to stay up late!' like a bunch of teenagers. Because in the utopia of a pure capitalist society, people don't tire or get sick - everybody's happy and life is fair! These messages are subconsciously received but only realised once thoroughly unpacked. I could go on but no need to put up the whole analysis here...

So, this got me to thinking. All of us see everything through a particular ideology, and construct reality through language and discourse. The Bible itself seems like a site of struggle between several ideologies/ discourses - which is why I get so confused. On the contrary, Jesus did demonstrate a consistent ideology. Individuals' reading of a text is influenced by their unique discursive history, and hence the many varying interpretations. So, maybe we weren't all meant to interpret the words of Jesus the exact same way, and maybe that's OK, but the greatest commandment is hard to deny - as one example, if all the christians against gays took on this task (love God, love your neighbour) rather than ridding the world of homosexuality, think what good could be done. We can't just simply love though - why? Because we're all too afraid of death. Something which Jesus went to great lengths to convince us we need not be afraid of anymore.

What parts of the Bible do you think is not up for negotiation/ interpretation?? What do you think are the bits that are 'set in stone'? So to speak..

Study stuff

2010-10-07T11:34:00.005+11:00

The gorgeous spring day began with a strong tea and a strong sense of expanding my horizons as I sat down to read some brilliant thoughts about grammar and our sophisticated language. Read page after page of in depth, highly intellectual writing and earn a degree at the end of it; and all this, uninterrupted by the noise of traffic or people or any of those things peacefully shut out by one's own front door. Studying by distance was like a challenge - and I said bring it on.

OR...

The warm air, sunshine and faint breeze taunted me as I closed the kitchen window, trying to make the cluttered room a sterile study for the next few hours of intense concentrating. I forced down a bitter black tea to push my mind along as I read 10+ pages of old (or dead) men writing about grammar. Hopefully this degree is worth sitting at home all day long by myself, without the distraction of human contact or sights or sounds beyond my little unit. Studying by distance is too hard - I regret ever starting it.

I'm playing around in an attempt to demonstrate a point to myself, about how grammar and lexis construct 'reality', utilise discourses, reflect ideologies, and constitute genres.

I guess this is why 'positive thinking' et al can be effective - at least sometimes, for some people. Change your point of view = change 'reality'. It's fairly straight forward. Actually one of the examples was an analysis of the inability of the traditional Christian discourse to reconcile with the dominant cultural discourse of capitalism. I found it amusing that this made it as a two-paragraph example, since that is a subject that is on my mind just about all the time... jury's still out though.

Argh :(

2010-09-25T12:55:00.002+10:00

Oh how quickly things can change.

I'm about ready to crack right now. So much fucking stress. SO over everything right now.

More Monash bullshit. Almost failing me on a subject - let's see, I'm getting Ds and HDs this semester except for one subject where I've received 50% in an assignment. I wonder if this has to do with me or that subject?! Basically it's a case of they didn't make the expectations clear enough in the assignment outline. But I'm meant to be a mind reader. I submitted a similar assignment in a subject last semester - which I got a HD for - so I approached this one the same way and bam, almost a fail. I did an evaluation of the unit and basically just told them what I think. I can't wait to never have anything to do with Monash again.

Then D got screwed over by a recruitment place. Told him he had a job and then 2.5 weeks later called the whole thing off (their client decided they didn't need as many people as the recruitment joint had recruited). Obviously since they told him he had 3 months full time work he wasn't job hunting as urgently.
Yeah, got that news the day after signing a lease.

I did a huge essay (worth 40%) largely on a bed the past week. Staying with friends - 5 people in a 2 bedroom unit means the only place to study is on the bed. I can barely walk my legs are so sore from hours and hours of sitting on the freaking bed. We had to buy a printer. Then find a PO and pay to have it faxed since Monash are back in the dark ages and don't accept email submission. Nor do they accept postmark as the date an assignment is submitted. HAVE I MENTIONED I HATE MONASH?

What else. My health has been terrible despite, possibly because of, attempting to be healthier. Go figure - I just give up on that one. Painkillers, caffeine and sleeping tablets it is. I'm sure it's stress related. How can one avoid stress though? It's a joke. Got some ear infection or something - I thought it would go away but it hasn't - so had to go and get stuff for that. More money I don't have and it's so uncomfortable putting it in my ear.

Removalists decided to arrive early with our stuff so we had no change to clean or do the condition report with the place empty. Whatever. I'm working desperately on an assignment due on Wed (same subject that I'm almost failing) so I can't even help with unpacking much.

OH and receiving the news that I have two major essays due the same day (in about two weeks) and then not that long after I have two exams on the same day. Monash's policy is to not alter it unless they actually clash (they don't - there's a gap of a few hours over lunch). I can't imagine what ensuing health crises that will bring me.

Our internet has died in the ass - thank you, telstra - so that it takes 20 minutes to download a 3-page pdf. Very helpful with an assignment to do. And my telecommunications company is somehow keeping me to a contract for an extra week, I don't know how and can't be bothered trying to find out from the person I'm speaking to in India, but it looks like I'll have to stay with them and their shitty service for a while until I can afford an iPhone. And that'll happen when pigs fly.

Hmmm, what else? I realise how whingey this is - I don't care, I need to get it out - there's so much more that I wouldn't put on here, too. I need a damn break but I've needed one for months and months now and just can't see 'the promise land' in sight. If Monash were to tell me I needed to do one more subject after this semester due to some bullshit administrative error with them - I literally wouldn't do it. All I want is to get some job that isn't too stressful, earn money and actually have a small amount of time to take care of myself. And I think I'll spend my first couple of paychecks (or more) on a dishwasher so I don't ever have to wash a dish again.

/end whinge.

'Yes means yes' concept to replace 'no means no'??

2010-09-20T12:26:00.002+10:00

Check out this fantastic blog post around the concept of 'no means no'. Shouldn't the focus be on making sure the sex act IS consensual, not on whether or not objections were expressed clearly enough??

Oh when the saints go marching in...

2010-09-20T11:37:00.003+10:00

So, I'm hoping for a Saints victory this weekend. Because frankly I prefer Saints over Collingwood any day - and am glad that they kicked out the doggies (who kicked us out). K and I were singing 'Who kicked the dogs out? Saints, saints saints saints saints!' to the tune of 'Who let the dogs out' in case you didn't pick up that one. It was meant to be 'Who kicked the dogs out? Swans, swans...' but that didn't happen. What a tragical turn of events.

It was D and mine's 1 year 'dating' anniversary yesterday. He got me a dozen roses, one for every month we've been together (naawww).

I took him to see The Other Guys as he loves Will Ferrel - it was 'xtremescreen'. A massive screen, and very loud, yes, but I think just an excuse to charge extra. $19 for a movie ticket! Oh well, he enjoyed it :)

House hunting in Melbourne is fun fun fun, as is being homeless! And makes studying full time a breeze! *eye roll* Ugh, so much stress right now but having fun with K as usual and our little anniversary celebrations helped a bunch.

We just want to get into a place ASAP. I've got an essay that I'm currently procrastinating on - that is NOT good as I've already been given an extension till this thursday - there is so much to do but I just needed a morning off. I do feel a bit better. I'm just not one of those people that can go and go and go - my brain becomes mush and my threshold for stress becomes practically non-existent.

I've got 4 assignments and 2 exams to go before I'm done. I absolutely cannot wait for this hellish experience to be over. Monash DE simply sucks. I could go on and on about it but what's the point? Just trust me on this one.

In other news, I'm trying to give my diet a makeover. Again. The problem is that every time I try to switch to a super healthy diet, I have detox symptoms... so I have to do it slowly. Trying to eat lots and lots of fruits and vegetables, drink lots of spring water, and slip up less with eating stuff I'm not supposed to (things with preservatives etc). Oh and majorly cut back on dairy. Not sure if I'm willing to totally cut it out but my digestion is about a million times better when I don't have dairy. We'll see.

Melbourne makes eating healthy food a lot easier - I absolutely LOVE little organic health food stores, the ones that advertise yoga classes on the walls, and they're everywhere here! They're like heaven to me - all this stuff that is preservative free, pesticide free, super healthy and delicious... the only problem is the price tag. I have been wanting to try almond milk for ages now as I'm not a big fan of soy. Almond milk is almost $9 for a litre. That's an expensive addition to my morning tea!!

Oh another awesome thing I've been trying - raw effing chocolate. So good! Mint choc is the best - low GI (they use agave not sugar), high in antioxidants, vegan, beautiful. But you're looking at $8 or $9 for a smallish block. The only time I ever think to myself 'If only I were rich...' is regarding food.

OK this essay is simply not going to write itself. I've got so many readings to do and lectures to listen to before I can even start writing it though. Sigh. I'm aiming for a pass - it's final semester and I simply don't care anymore!

(this blog post really reflects where I'm at right now - busy, all over the place, but excited! :-)

on being unpopular

2010-08-30T12:53:00.008+10:00

I get really tired of being at odds with people all the time. Half the trouble comes from conservative Christians who have a problem with my views or my lifestyle and feel they need to 'set me straight'. I really, really want to tell them where they can go.

I try to be friendly to everybody. I've never felt so disliked, or at adds with as many people, as I do now. And not just conservative Christians who I come across who want to tell me I'm not doing things right, but also people who get defensive or insecure about my views or find them inconvenient (ie asylum seekers).

I'm so sick of getting people offside even though I'm far from attacking them or shoving my views down their throat. At the moment I'm disliked by several people from different quarters who simply because of my lifestyle choices or views about gay people or feminism (or oddly, because of my parents' views etc) have something against me.

It's not just in my head either.

This includes my grandparents who wrote me and my brother off a long time ago (for lots of shitty reasons unrelated to anything we might've done) and, I guess they still 'care' in one way, but look on with a sort of 'that's a shame' attitude and then focus on the grandkids they actually like. Yeah, that makes me feel like shit. I love my immediate family like crazy and miss them so much now that I live several hours away but have almost nothing to do with any extended family, some of whom I currently live a few suburbs from. My Pa was an awesome, humble person and he liked me. My uncle S probably likes me OK these days though when I was going through tougher times I don't think he was a fan. I think he thought I should've sucked it up or that I was lazy, insincere or rude. My cousin is routinely a patronising bitch, but not just to me. Two of my aunties here care about me but not that much, one of them moreso than the other. I don't feel quite as judged by them but rarely see them or hear from them (can't remember the last time).

One uncle I liked a lot and always felt accepted by him. He died tragically a couple of years ago. In all honesty, I don't think my ex-aunty has ever thought too much of me but she's friendly. Her kids, my cousins, are tops and I've always gotten along with them. Don't get to see them much now though since she remarried. It's sad.

I dunno what the point of this is, I guess I feel some sense of injustice at being disliked for stupid or unfair reasons. And in some cases, from an early age (early teens). God, people are judgey. I'm happy to be friends even if we don't see eye to eye. And I'm happy to disagree and debate and still be friendly. Some people don't seem so willing, many super conservative Christians in particular.

I think if I wasn't a Christian, or didn't publicly label myself one, lots of this bullshit would not come up and I'd get treated fine by a lot of these people. So sick of defending my own choices about what I believe. The people I currently have in mind see themselves as in mentor or elder positions over me. The way they see it, I'm wondering off the proper path. I'm in dangerous waters. Or some crap about the devil.

If we actually had this out explicitly, I'd so want to just tell them to fuck off. I don't tell them how to live their lives or that they've got it wrong. I'm friendly even when their views offend me. Ugh, I'm gonna stop or I'll just keep getting more and more angry and it won't change any of this.

Well.

2010-08-22T12:14:00.002+10:00

Somebody said to me I hadn't blogged in a while. It feels like it's been a while since I did anything that I didn't have to do. Wish I could allow myself to completely switch off sometimes... read a book for fun, have a TV-show watching binge, I don't know... always constant pressure of 'what are you doing right now? you know you have this this and this to do. don't waste time.'

Again, I say all this as I'm basically the happiest I've ever been in a lot of ways. But I find it all hard, too.

I've come to really despise uni. I think it's cos I'm doing it by distance. I don't remember disliking it so much when I was on campus but that was years ago. It's my last semester and I'm well over it. I don't seem to really care about my average anymore. I just don't care! I want it to be over. Ugh. 10 assessments to go... sometimes I feel like I'm not going to make it, in all honesty. I have something due Wed and my motivation is just waning... plus watching the election results unfold is too enticing!! Maybe I'll ask for an extension due to the election. Ha.

So much has been going on. The strip club campaign was a success, well as successful as it can be at this stage. I had another thing published in Insights ('When did greed become good?' - an indictment of the prosperity gospel) and soon to have an article published by the youth unit about a trip to Townsville for the National Aboriginal and Islander Youth Gathering in July. Also been in contact with the editor of Crosslights in VIC... they published one of my articles in the current issue. She likes me and wants to meet me, so yay! That's good to know, because...

We're basically going to have to be out of our unit in 3 weeks, we're renting it out to friends. Which basically means Melbourne in the next 3-4 weeks, crashing on friends' floors and running around crazily to secure a) a job for D and b) a decent place to live. It's all going to be very hectic. I've got heaps due for uni, we need to pack everything up and put it in storage, and impose on other people's space whilst getting to know Melbourne and trying to survive.

Oh, and if Tony Abbott gets in I'm moving to New Zealand. So, that'll also take a bit of getting used to.

I went to the National AboutFACE meeting a week ago. They paid for me to fly to Melbs early on Fri morning for it. I'm passionate and hopeful that the program can continue. If it doesn't, that is just pathetic of us, I'm sorry. UCA need to do better than that. It's such an important program. I'd do it again but the cost is inhibitory right now. To let it die, what an absolute shame. We spoke about what we can do to promote it... what changes can be made so that it's more enticing and accessible. Somebody suggested I do up a petition asking Assembly for funding. Maybe I will... turns out I'm not too bad at campaigning!

What else? Our treatment by WW's media over the strip club campaign was woeful. No surprises there. Now they've just voted in the former editor of the DA (WW local paper). He's a Nationals member. Just for some background for you: scary times
They painted anyone who was against the club as primarily concerned with sexual immorality or wowserism, despite the fact I was loud and very clear about my feminist agenda. Pricks. I copped a lot of flack but whatever, it's WW and my friends know me, so what do I care? I'm leaving anyway, thank goodness ;)

Hmmm, 11 months for D and I last Thursday. <3 Not sure where exactly we'll be for the 1 year anniversary but I'm pretty thrilled :) That time has gone so insanely fast. I feel so grateful to have him in my life. I could not have asked for more. He is an absolute gem!

That might be it for now. This post should be called 'procrastinating on uni work'. Ugh. Back to it :(

Life is a cabaret!

2010-07-21T22:21:00.003+10:00

There seems to be so much going on at the moment. There seems to be no time for reading, watching great shows on the ABC or interesting films... and there's just something sad about that :(

The campaign and petition against the strip club is going well. It's going to be announced on the radio, which is handy ... got a local school on board and some churches. Even if some of the churches aren't on board for the exact same reasons as I, well, I don't mind... at the moment it's all about the objective - stop the strip club from opening here. I don't want there to be any more access to an environment that treats women as objects to be used - amusement parks for men, if you will - than there already is... so even though I know I can't stop all the strip clubs everywhere and maybe it will happen eventually even if I stop it now, I still want to do it. I have to believe I can have some positive effect or what the heck am I doing being a Christian.

ANYHOO... my new The Velvet Underground CD arrived a few days ago. Had a listen today whilst doing the dishes. They're not bad, I think I'll quite like them. Maybe not as much as I've come to like The Smiths, but still...

What else? Most likely moving in the next couple of weeks. All the stress of the campaign and the up coming move and the crap marks in last semester at uni (just holding onto a D average by the skin of my teeth) and the new semester just beginning ... I've been getting migraines and neck aches and waking up in the middle of the night. But overall I'm still pretty happy.

Re the title - I went and saw the musical showcase night a close friend of mine put on for charity on Saturday night. It was excellent and I am so proud of her. But she's always had a knack for event organising so I wasn't surprised. I'd say about 60-70% of it was performed at the level of professionals. And only two of the cast had performed in professional shows before. One of the songs to get stuck in my head was 'Life is a Cabaret'... especially since I helped out with the musical and was there when they were learning the dance moves... so I've been dancing them around the house whilst singing 'Life is a Cabaret, old chum!' Hopefully D finds it funny.

In other news, I'm excited to be thinking about doing more with AboutFACE... possibly helping with future AFs with briefing or debriefing or helping to coordinate it... I guess I feel called to do work in reconciliation. I guess I just love it.

Ah, so much to write about!

2010-07-15T17:48:00.003+10:00

I had a nice, quaint little story to blog but there's so much more important stuff to write about now!

Wagga Wagga city council is set to approve its first strip club. Not happy, along with plenty of other Wagga residents.

It's amazingly got unanimous support from the councillors. Amazing, considering the Manager of Crime at Wagga police is strongly advising against it due to concerns that it will increase the risk of crime in the area; sexual assaults on women and other organised crime. You'd think the town council would pay attention to his opinion on this, but they haven't.

Apparently, it cannot be rejected on moral grounds. OK, fine, but what about on the grounds that there is potential for considerable community harm?? Research shows the links between strip clubs in an area and corresponding rates of rape and sexual assault on women. It's not hard to work out why that'd be. You get men in there, titillate the hell out of them, get them tanked on booze, then send them out to the streets. Like men need help in getting horny, anyway. And with our large defence population.... let's just say they already have a not-so-great track record.

SO... I've started a group on facebook. I'm going to write a letter to the editor of the [god awful] newspaper here, hopefully that will get published. I'm going to contact candidates in this electorate who may want a bandwagon to jump on in the lead up to an election. I'm going to personally email each councillor with info regarding sexual objectification of women... and how something like a strip club could affect EVERYONE in Wagga, even if you don't choose to frequent the place.

Most importantly, I'm creating a petition - both online and in physical form. I'm going to contact all the churches in Wagga, leave petitions on the counters of businesses, perhaps even sit outside the mall with a sign inviting people to sign it. And I know someone who knows the police manager of crime. So will try and work with him to get the message across that we don't want one here.

I despise strip clubs. I hate how they objectify and degrade women. I hate what they do to the men who go to them. I hate what they signify. I hate that a country town like Wagga can so easily agree to getting a strip club. And since I'm on uni holidays, I'm going to do everything I can to stop this from going through.

With the culture of sexism and chauvinism amongst lots of the guys in Wagga... God help me!

Dear Christian homophobes.

2010-06-15T12:10:00.009+10:00

*disclaimer: language... I may have used the 'g' word once or twice.

Dear Christian homophobes/ the salvationally insecure.

I'm writing to ask if you would kindly get yourselves past this whole gay 'issue'.

I'm sorry but I struggle to understand your motivations. I wonder to myself where this hatred and contempt for something so harmless comes from. I ask, is it simply that it's easier to complain about gay people rather than do something about all the other problems in the world that desperately require your attention? Perhaps this preoccupation is more about helping you feel more reassured about your own salvation?

I mean, I trust that 'the gays' aren't hurting you personally, friend? Are you afraid you might catch.... 'the gay'?!

I worry, Christian brothers and sisters, that you think that allowing gay people to go around ungayed will seal your fate in eternal damnation. If this is the case, I want to reassure you that you needn't worry about that. The Good News is, there's some superb stuff in the gospels that may assist you in getting past this unfortunate preoccupation. PLT! I find the following to be helpful:

Mark 12:
30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.
31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

Basically, I want to earnestly ask that you to please leave gay people alone, and suggest that you perhaps focus your Christianly activism on making the marginalised in our society feel loved. After all, it's not their role to be your scapegoat in avoiding being smited by our Lord. I assure you I realise how horrible eternal damnation sounds, and I don't want it any more than you do! But I promise, abstaining from the gay-bashing is not going to affect your chances of making it past the pearly gates when you die. PTL. :)

Lastly, I am sorry that you seem to lack more interesting topics to occupy your thoughts than what others do in their bedrooms. That sounds rather boring for you and I do hope for your sake that your life can improve and that you, too, can move with the rest of us into the 21st century.

Your sister in Christ,

Megan.

CRASH.... time to update.

2010-06-12T21:26:00.003+10:00

I just had an insane end of semester. Insaaane. I mean they're all insane but this one was... batshit insane.

I've done a stupid amount of work in a small amount of time... and what sucks the most is that it's all for uni or unpaid internship related stuff so there's no immediate reward... and no monetary reward. So I'm exhausted, and completely broke. Yay!

From Monday night to Friday evening, aside from when I was asleep, I didn't take a break longer than 20 minutes except to eat, shower and occasionally exercise to keep myself awake. On Thursday and Friday, countless cans of pepsi were consumed... caffeine does a number on me (and did) but I was desperate! I looked crazed (I avoided mirrors but at one point on Friday caught a glimpse... holy bloodshot eyes, batman!)... this semester, I actually believed I was at risk of failing two subjects. I *think* I've managed to get by without getting a fail... but I can't say for sure if I've hurt my D average :( It would be such a shame to spoil such a good average in the last few subjects of my degree. But I just struggled so much with motivation this semester.

Anyway last night, running off four hours sleep, I had two beers and forced myself to go to a quiet BBQ at D's friend's place... I was fairly antisocial, watching music clips on their pay TV (I watched this one... I remember this song from when I was a kid! Was kinda cool to watch the clip)... tonight I couldn't face doing anything either so I'm home alone. It's definitely shut down mode. I feel somewhat comatose but it felt so great to just do basically nothing all afternoon. I stayed in bed till 11:30 this morning... listened to old songs on my phone. It was so nice.

When I was a teenager, having nothing to do was a bad thing. And now it's a rare slice of heaven that I cherish dearly! I get jealous of anyone who says they're bored on facebook. Well, at least I have 5 weeks now with no uni work to do. But in that time I'm going to two conference, two different states, and home for a visit. Part of that includes going to Townsville for a UAICC youth conference! Wheee! UCA are paying, so I'm rapt.

Oh and I'm possibly moving to Melbourne in the holidays too. D has officially finished work... ergo, it's job hunting time. So I'm going to veg NOW as much as I damn well can, I figure... bring on the books and movies.

Lunar Park

2010-06-03T10:02:00.002+10:00

For uni I had to read this postmodernist text Lunar Park by Bret Easton Ellis. It was amazing. So well written, so easy to read (no boring bits to push through).

It's part autobiographical, part horror fiction, part detective story, and part psychological drama. His use of language is brilliant - minimalist, powerful, clear, evocative. But the story line is not something I would ever normally read. He was so effective with the horror that I had trouble sleeping for several nights whilst reading it... that's how disturbing it was. In fact even a week after finishing it I still get a bit freaked out in the house on my own...

It gave no answers but asked a lot of questions, in typical postmodern style. But this kept it interesting rather than frustrating. The author did not want to demystify the text by making it clear which bits were fiction and which weren't... but it's not too hard to tell. A fake fan website was set up for his fictional wife in the book (OK, it fooled me for a few minutes...). The bits that are non-fiction are the most fascinating - so real, so honest. I've not read American Psycho but I imagine it's pretty horrible as I've seen the movie. I haven't read Less than Zero either but it's supposed to be about a lot of drug taking and orgies and experimenting in college... basically pornographic. Some of what this guy writes is pretty sick. Yet he's so talented. And I think that's how he wants people to feel. 'High cultured' folks like him and his elegant writing style until he shocks or disgusts them.

He's also incredibly narcissistic... so while he's entertaining and interesting, he's not likable in the least. In Lunar Park it's like he's trying to be honest about being an asshole... only to then make us sympathise with him. It's confusing but again, fascinating.

Actually he reminds me a lot of Eminem in that way. Is it the superior intelligence that gets everyone so interested? Or the overt and unapologetic narcissism? Or are we just so quick to believe their sob stories?

Don't look at me, I don't know. I'm just asking all the questions. I'm just being a good little postmodernist!

Depression blah

2010-05-31T17:48:00.004+10:00

I have a tendency to isolate myself when I'm depressed. It's a vicious cycle because the more I isolate myself the worse I feel. I made an effort to socialise more the past few days and have felt better for it, a lot better.

That's a problem with studying uni by distance education. I'm just at home all day by myself studying. I'm not made to go and interact with other students or teachers or anything. Or even to leave the house. That's pretty dangerous for me I think. Doing DE has helped me in a lot of ways but it's also not been very good for me... or my education.

I'm just so snowed under right now with things I have to do and write and read... and I'm just depressed. Can't even be bothered going for a walk. But I just have to hold on until Monday in two weeks time and then I'll be free for a bit over a month. CAN'T. WAIT.

Once it's holidays, I'm going to take people up on their offers... go for coffees, have lunch with people, go to the movies, walk dogs with friends, visit the glass gallery here. Hell, I might even INITIATE some socialising! And I'm going to call people. When I do actually make myself answer the phone, talking to a friend really does warm up my day. I feel better. A lot of the time they call me, I don't call them much. It's not because I don't miss them or want to talk to them. It's a depression thing. I just don't really have the energy. But I get energy from community, the company of friends...

I miss school. I miss that routine, the community, seeing friends every day, learning every day. I miss my cat. I miss how carefree childhood is. I miss parental restrictions. I miss working at a bakery on the weekends. I miss sleepovers. I miss other people organising what I'm going to have for dinner. I miss naivete. I miss simplicity. I miss getting praised at school by my English teachers. I miss the times when I had so much fun dancing around the house to pop music and eating ice cream with my girl friends. And having the time to attempt to bake honeycomb. And me and a friend 'babysitting' (with a supervisor!) at the age of 12.

*sigh*

Death

2010-05-26T11:21:00.003+10:00

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. An unnatural amount, really. We were watching Wal-E the other night and even that made me think about death and I got upset.

I'm worried - paranoid about my own death, of D dying, of my parent's dying. I just about brought myself to tears the other night thinking of what would happen and how I'd feel if my parents were to die. I was so scared at the thought that it was possible, that it could happen whenever. D was good and comforted me but he can't be there and talk to me and distract me all the time. Also, D can't reassure me that he won't die tomorrow - and that just terrifies the absolute shit out of me.

It's gotten better the past few days, so that's good and I'm relieved. But whenever we're on the road or someone else is taking a road trip... I am just so paranoid, thinking every next second could be the end. This could have something to do with the car accident D and I were in a few months ago. I am being reminded of my own mortality way too often by my overactive and paranoid mind... and then panicking. It might also have to do with a conversation I had about the existence of heaven... and it freaked me out to think that other people - Christians, big on theology - didn't exactly believe in its existence... or not really anyway. Some people seem able to say 'I don't really care that much.' I thought I didn't care that much... until the certainty of heaven was challenged by people I regard as very wise.

Hmmm. I don't believe there's nothing after death. And I do believe we'll be reunited with God. But I mourn for loss of life everywhere - I somehow can't believe that heaven could be as good as the good parts of life down here (if that makes ANY sense at all!) I thought about if D and I would still have that specially close, exclusive connection in heaven... but I guess we wouldn't because that would no longer be limited to just each other? And as much as I want to love and be loved by everyone, I still want that special thing just with him. Is that selfish or weird?

So yeah, welcome to my weird mind. :P

Tangent numero uno...

2010-05-13T17:15:00.003+10:00

#1 Some people are just plain nasty. For no good reason. But I take pleasure in knowing I'm the better person for not retaliating! Yep, that's how I get my kicks.

#2 I want to write a book... on what, you might ask? Don't know. What form shall it take? No idea. By when? Not yet decided. Fiction or non-fiction? Your guess is as good as mine!

But I do want to write one... I love journalism but the pressure does work away at me, I can see that just form doing my internship. Even deadlines with assignments kill me, really mess me up. I just suck under prolonged pressure, no matter how great or minimal the pressure is... like uni. I'm just hoping and praying I don't drop the ball now, with only 3 and two-halves subjects to go before I'm done... I'm close to really stuffing one of them up but unless the tutor assigned to me is a real bitch as well I should at least go OK based on the marks I've already gotten.

#3 It's looking fairly likely that I'll crossing over into Mexican territory sometime soon. It's exciting but I'm really scared about being that far from my parents, which is surprising. Didn't realise I felt that way until I'm faced with the possibility. I feel like in some ways I can be wise and in other ways I can be very child-like... and perhaps how I feel about my parents is still quite child-like or I just need more support than most people. That's probably true actually and makes sense.

#4 Sometimes people say and write things that are so beautiful... and they have no idea how beautiful it really is. So I 'capture' (ahem, steal) these little snippets. It's like I'm an editor of the world... picking the bits that get to the heart of the matter, that make people think. Actually I dunno if that's true yet but people seem to think my articles are good. And that's what journalism's all about, sifting through information and knowing how to pick and frame the good bits. I do love it... it's more a practicality. Could I work in a newsroom?? Not sure... I don't keep up with daily news like a good journo student should AT ALL. Even in the non-profit sector, there's still pressures and deadlines.. they're absolutely necessary for journalism. I just can't seem to find a way to cope with them.

Maybe I'll just find a way eventually and I just need to trust that it'll happen and put one foot in front of the other. Keep on keeping on etc etc...

Well that's it, that's my tangential ramble for today! :)

It must be that the blogosphere moons are all lining up or something

2010-05-07T16:23:00.002+10:00

'Cos several blogs that have been silent for a while have suddenly come to life all within the last couple of hours, today.

Weird how things happen like that sometimes... and the strangest thing is I had a feeling that a few would've been updated. For no particular reason. So when I say one had, I thought to myself 'I bet some others that haven't been updated for a while will have a new post too'... and then they did.

It's like on FB where two people will update their statuses with something random or arbitrary and almost exactly the same wording and all... and they don't even know each other. One time a friend put as their status 'Wanting a maltese shitzu! Anyone know of someone wanting to get rid of one??' and the very next status update (they must've been within minutes of each other) in my newsfeed was 'Free Maltese Shitzu to a good home...' by another friend, unknown by the first.

Just weird. Sometimes things just... happen at certain times. Like there's a rhythm that we all adhere to, wittingly or not...

How good are the Swans going?

2010-05-03T23:09:00.003+10:00

I mean seriously!

We attended Saturday's game... what a ripper! And Bradshaw's torpedo... wow! The atmosphere was incredible. And after commenting on the flags all around me and how I used to have one to wave, D bought me one. Awww! Boy did I wave the shit out of that flag!!! I really went nuts... after every goal I waved it to the absolute limits of what is socially acceptable...

We had a cheese and bacon twist, hot chips and beer... and a sweet couple from WW sitting beside us. The dude had one pet hate - LRT. D told him LRT is one of my pet loves. I'm proud to say it didn't come to blows! Despite the fact that there was some serious Lewie abuse taking place all around me. It was somewhat deserved... but I yelled out in his defence nonetheless.

Oh there was also some racist yobbo moron yelling awful things to Goodesy all night. Some people...

Shepparton!

2010-04-27T17:09:00.005+10:00

So we randomly spare-of-the-moment decided to take a trip to Shepparton.

The engine was a-humming, the soft drink was a-flowing, and the sweet notes of Norah Jones' came through my car speakers. Yes, I thought, Shepparton is the place to go. The perfect little getaway, random enough to keep things interesting, but big enough to not be too small-town and downright inconvenient. We were excited.

On the way in, we see a sign to a Chocolate Apple factory. Have they worked out how to engineer apples made of chocolate? We didn't feel like stopping so we missed checking it out... but apparently they get fresh apples and coat them first in caramel and then in chocolate... kinda pissed we missed it after finding that out!

All was fine and dandy until the guy at the motel - who would obviously have an interest in promoting the place - warns us 'don't walk around here... not to be racist but it's the black fellas, they're out at night. They'll ask ya for a smoke and then attack ya'. Interesting introduction. Kind of ironic since this hotel had listed as one of its main attractions 'a pleasant 15 minute walk from the CBD'.

After being in the car all day I needed to work up an appetite so we walked around anyway. It was a Friday night and no one was around. I mean we saw glimpses of people. There were people lurking... in a creepy way. We wondered where this elusive 'CBD' had gone. We finally saw a couple and asked them. This was it... try The Aussie...

So we end up at The Aussie Hotel... which was the most up market eating establishment in the hole, I mean whole, town. The food was actually great! Chicken breast stuffed with Camembert, wrapped in filo pastry with figs... delicious. We also shared a honey roasted duck salad. Again, lovely. It was all nice until around about 8:30pm... when the place started filling with the kind of people who want to harass the pretty bartender.

She was American so we struck up a conversation with her to ask where she was from, how she found herself in Shep, etc... one of the first things from her mouth was a warning for us to not leave the pub except to go straight from the door into a taxi. "Oh yeah, this place has one of the highest crime levels of any town in Australia... did you hear about the stabbing a few weeks ago? That was out the front of my house."

After the second warning, I was starting to get a little freaked out. When I was alone for five minutes and got some unwanted company, I decided I'd try not to hang around alone for any amount of time after that.

Despite realising I'd brought us to an absolute dive - yes, I had chosen the destination - we had a fun night. I cleaned up big time on one of those machines where you put in $2 and use the claw to pick up and drop chocolates. I evidently caused an avalanche, probably about $10 worth of stuff! I thought, this... this is living the life!

We made friends with a Tongan guy called John who was absolutely lovely... and a lovely Aboriginal lady called Justine who beat us at pool. We taught the guy bartender how to make a certain shot... and I tried to convince them to give another new friend, Michelle, a free drink for her birthday.

It started raining so we called a taxi and stood close to the bouncers whilst waiting for it outside. Except for when I got a photo with one of the local pieces of artwork... hmmm, profound:

Lefties whinge a lot.

2010-04-19T23:40:00.003+10:00

Liberal lefties sure do whinge a lot - I would know as I'm one of them. Well I think I'm one of them... had a conversation the other night that made me wonder if I'm more conservative than I think. Honestly sometimes the far left freak me out a bit... scare me towards the center. Can't work out if this is a good or a bad thing...

And now, doing a uni essay, I find myself taking the 'conservative' side... speaking in political terms here. The topic is literary theory - Literature and History - and the autonomy of literature V a postmodern or marxist 'deconstruction' of texts that see Hamlet as having the same significance as Australian idol in terms of worthiness to be studied...

The conservatives are the ones agreeing with me. I'm not used to being in this position. For anyone reading this (anyone? .... anyone?!) who knows my parents would understand that I was brought up a lefty. But not to the point where everything gets so screwy and abstract thought goes up its own backside and everything is in question and there are no certainties... and thank God for that.

Anyhow, so I'm not used to siding with the conservative agenda... but I just happen to agree. Here's one of our readings and I quite like it. Not sure if that's because he's a great writer and has won me over with his persuasive skill with words... or if I'm just not as left as I thought I was?

This guy is basically saying that you can't put Hamlet on the same level as Australian idol - that not all texts are equal, that there is 'literature' and then there's superficial texts that are not worthy of our deeper analysis or reflection in the same way. That Hamlet has a timelessness, that it lives on (much like how one might talk about the bible... interesting, I think that is more on the conservative end, theologically? But I'm not meaning it to be... that's just what I think... perhaps I really can't be classed as left or right or liberal or conservative. Labels are useless half the time anyway.)... and that it is worthy, above other texts...

I mean, surely its common sense - if we still talk about Shakespeare now, 500 years after he wrote his plays, what does that say? His work MUST have an element of timelessness and autonomy of meaning... must be relevant to all humans no matter what era or social/ political situation. The play is about revenge, guilt, death and the afterlife, the effects of unrequited love, mental illness, power struggles etc... like the bible, it is relevant as long as the human race exists because it gets at the things that are at the core of the human condition.

Postmodernists don't agree... I've been getting the shits with postmodernism and liberal theology for a while now. So freakin' wishy washy. So up in the air, all about the questions not the answers, blah blah blah... sometimes I just want to be given something concrete. Have a definite opinion one way or the other, damn it! The inevitable collapse of the fences I keep sitting on...

Moral relativism - some would say I'm SUCH a moral relativist. Lately the term has been making me cringe... I can understand why people get sick of hearing all the justifications and excuses. I get sick of being the one giving them, and being met with sighs every time I stick up for a person/ group, using moral relativism... I can see it annoying them but I'm, for lack of a better word, well trained to pipe up and be that voice when everyone is condemning them.

I mean can you imagine if the world was actually run by lefties? In a way, that would not happen to begin with, as lefties would keep moving more and more left, they'd all be criticising each other and everyone would be using moral relativism to get out of taking any responsibility or blame and there'd be so, so many questions and so, so few answers and all things would be discussed in an abstract sense so that nothing was ever decided upon or even DONE properly... we'd all listen to each other's feelings ad nauseum and let free loaders take full advantage of the system so that it would eventually stop working entirely and then there'd be chaos...

I think if lefties felt that their position was too popular they'd need to move further left... who would they criticise? Well, themselves. Then we'd all be trying to follow some long, tangent-ridden, complex derailment of thoughts... voting would be ridiculous. No paper, we'd probably all have to say one nice thing about the candidate we didn't vote for... in a semi circle, and then fill out a million questionnaires about how it went and enjoy the right to not vote if we were offended, or be allowed to request a voting sheet in a language that no one has ever heard of, all the while defending our right to speak our chosen dialect without disadvantage or discrimination...

But seriously, all the consensus, all the open discussion... I mean of course it's great but it does tend to foster an unhealthy level of dissent... again, it's good that we can be openly critical, but sometimes there's just so much whingeing. It's never good enough.

I guess lefties are a bunch of idealists, in a way. Sometimes the realists are the right wingers and sometimes this is helpful, even necessary, to balance things out and have some order about things. And not all order is bad...

I can see some lefty friends cringe, in spirit, at what I'm saying. Haha.

Rhyming poem

2010-04-19T11:26:00.001+10:00

I see the long trail winding years behind
Standing around in long supermarket lines
Is this the way I envisaged my life?
A long term mission to just stay out of strife?

I don’t want your cheap junk made in Asia
I don’t want their sweat on my conscience either
I’ve wanted off of this rat wheel for a while now
But at that rate I couldn't even see the ground

I don't owe it to anyone to be on this racecourse
So lost-cause me now - I don’t want your applause
Don't need your marketing tools and your KPIs
I want life's wild side – and some fucking free time

They can stick their palm pilots and to-do-lists
Find me outside in the sun, taking a trip
Down memory ladders, tracing my life's purpose
What matters is what happens underneath the surface

You and me, free, in one global family
Humming life's tune under timeless trees
Forgetting the rules to always remember
To love like no one can make us surrender

Westfield! W***kers...

2010-04-13T20:16:00.005+10:00

So I've started a FB group about the fact that a certain Westfield are kicking out the community library to make way for a chain clothing outlet. The area has a very low socio-economic status and the people there need education, need books, need community services... but all Westfield care about is the bottom line.

That's how it seems to me anyway.

Westfield's CEO is one of the wealthiest people in Australia. This just smacks of corporate greed and shortsightedness as there's been a backlash in the community... I'm not the only one who's going to boycott the mall.

To make matters worse, Westfield are apparently upping the rent which will mean buhbye for the popular Salvos which I go to as well, so NOT HAPPY JAN. They may as well kick Centrelink out too and have no community services whatsoever. Just a mall full of chain stores in a place where nobody can afford to buy any of the crap. Great thinking Westfield.

The people of the area need another excuse for illiteracy like I need a[nother] nervous breakdown! People constantly bag out the suburb saying it's full of 'hobos' and 'lowlifes' - I'd say it is full of poor people. The library is one of the last positive things on a list that is now made up only of activities involving crime or alcohol... there's a cinema but it's used mostly by people from surrounding areas who travel there for that.

Kids were using that library... and the library's been given one month to get out. It's been there for 21 years! Shame on you Westfield.

More poetry

2010-04-07T15:23:00.001+10:00

To sing a passionate song and mean it, twice.
To live, to thrive, to believe you might
To example and fudge your way to the top
To dare the world to let your dreams flop

To experiment when you’ve got a lot to lose
And abandon the old and tired for the new
Somehow I do enough to afford
Sitting around on dusty floorboards
Drinking wine to sweeten the day’s labour

My mind an accomplice to my knees
Who pray
God, to conform and comply and not be stressed?
And not wither like ancient leaves caught by the clouds?
I feel like a newborn baby’s legs
Soft and weak and useless for a while
Stuck in a cul-de-sac of timeless worry

Oh God, to know enough is enough
Through winter nights without blankets
And time that cracks in the cool night air
Will I know warm assurance there?

That I am pretty like a flower and mighty as a tree?
A growing rampage of wishing hands that need?
I am a nothing, not a thing
Unseen, though, I am more and everything

Ingrained in me...

2010-04-01T11:50:00.003+11:00

At heart, I'm an idealistic and a perfectionist. I think I do well to minimise both with some things... and think I do well to hide that aspect from others (but how would I know?!) but they just don't go away. The perfectionism was worse when I was younger... as my mother's influences were strong and unchallenged. And she has the energy to be a perfectionist damnit! Anyway... then at school around year 8 or 9 I started hanging around a group of friends who had a relaxed 'she'll be right' kind of attitude, too lax and especially around study ;) but it really helped me to be around that and have that reinforced that 'good enough' is actually. :)

But there's these hanger-on-er-ers... they don't go away! Deep at my core - and honestly hidden from my own consciousness most of the time - perfectionism still reigns. When I'm vulnerable is when it's a problem. When I'm happy and healthy and energetic, I can rationally fight back against those thoughts, I'm on guard against them. But a moment of weakness and they're back. It affects just about everything. But it used to be so much worse, and so I think it's not a problem anymore.

It manifested most destructively in my obsession with having a perfect body for a while there. But I am over that, mostly. Although at a weak moment, I start thinking negatively about my body... but it never to the point where it's a real problem anymore.

With uni assignments... oy vey. Being a perfectionist is just the best way to decrease productivity and increase procrastination! And ensure that you are still busting yourself right up until the deadline EVERY TIME. 'Cos it's never good enough, it's just that the deadline is here so, 'that'll have to do' and cringe as I reluctantly but obediently hand over what I see to be a mess that may scrape through. Yeah, and this is a great exercise in logic - I think this EVERY time almost and yet I have a distinction average. It does not figure.

A close friend of mine told me how it looks to him one time. He asked, as he always used to, 'how'd your assignment go, did you get it in?' and I said 'Ohhh, this one is SO bad... I think I'll probably get a pass, it was the worst one ever!' And one time he just started laughing. 'You say that every time... every time is the worst assignment you've done!' and I was adamant, 'no I'm serious, this was really bad...' but he wouldn't take me seriously. At first it annoyed me until I realised it's so true. I say that every time. It's so, so rare that I actually submit or finish something and be simply happy with it... but normally I've put off starting it properly or finishing it - because I'm so anxious about getting it right... so half the time is does end up messy. I leave the 'door' open till the absolute last second cos it's probably not right and will need to be made perfect, first!

Then the idealism, oh that wreaks havoc too... I can be so black and white in my thinking. This is all good, and that is all bad. Conventional medicine is the devil - fortified by those who are conspiring to keep us sick and make money from our sickness and doctors mere minions, fools or evil! Take your pick! - and holistic medicine is the only true answer and can make me and everybody else well if only we all exercised and stopped eating preservatives, food dye, MSG, meat... (OK I added the meat part on - why not just adopt every ideal?! Yes I've been on a vegetarian kick)... and then we wouldn't have cancer or diabetes or whatever else... I'm sure there's some truth in that, that we could significantly reduce health problems by adopting some holistic health practices. But I see it as the beacon of wellness and anything else with a strong cynical eye.

I tried to eat more vegetarian foods and cut back on meat. For the environment, for health, and for animals because I love them and don't want any animal suffering. I already buy free range eggs and chicken but more is required. So I told myself I would not be my normal immoderate self but would be sensible. I'll still eat meat occasionally. Two weeks in, I think I'd eaten chicken once, and was feeling quite unwell. You can't just go from eating meat meals twice a day to nothing!

I could go on about this for ages. But I wanted to put it out there so I can remind myself to stop myself when I slip back into that way of thinking. It makes life hard.

[Now, to avoid trying to be the best non-perfectionist ever...]

conventional medicine vs holistic

2010-04-01T11:34:00.005+11:00

Generally speaking, western medicine focuses on treating symptoms. And generally speaking, holistic/natural medicine focuses on addressing or treating the cause of the symptoms.

I've learnt that it's wise to adopt parts of both sides and not trust wholeheartedly in either, forsaking the other. Western medicine does not address the root cause enough, but prefers to address symptoms. Here, take this for this. Take that for that. This remedy will get rid of your headache/ insomnia/ blues. Holistic medicine is all like - what are your symptoms? OK, let's see if we can work out why that's happening... and address that in the most holistic way possible. Obviously holistic sounds better but the thing is... that there's so much we don't and can't know about our bodies and why things happen.

I've spent stupid amounts of time with holistic advice and practitioners trying to figure out the underlying cause of x, y, z symptoms... but this is my life. How much time am I willing to put into that? Considering that when/if I do work out a definitive cause, there's no saying I'll actually be able to do a damn thing about it (ie hereditary)... what is the point?

I think western medicine can lack the wisdom to at least ask primarily, What could be causing x, y, z? Let's see if we can stop or change that... but I think the holistic side can go too far and you end up spending months or even years figuring out how to get to the cause and naturally remove it, reinstating things to their right and 'natural' state... but it's idealism. Sure, search a bit, but if you can't work it out, perhaps best to go back to conventional medicine and take a moderate or minimalist approach with treating the symptoms.

So I plan to take from each school of thought, with a grain of salt, but use both to my advantage... but at the end of the day, try and see what works and what doesn't. It's about being functional, not reaching every ideal.

Waste of space maker

2010-03-29T14:34:00.004+11:00

Dancing in from the outside rain
She catches a reflection
That seems just like her
Face full with secrets and shame, veiled

By the elusive wonder-filled auto-pilot
Of one who just carries on by and by
Until she asks for a lesser schedule
And asks for less responsible
And asks for less and less

She’s caught in the headlight and finds
She can’t afford the plight
That’s been placed upon her

Efficiency, time-savers
Like a salt shaker in a bottle
In a waste of space maker
Like running wild in the trees
Through someone on TV
Or in a dream

To have enough
To have less
To include a slow breakfast
In the morning
No delicacy untasted
That’s what she’d like, from her hungry inside
Because it's confusing
Being so self underestimating
Amongst all the time-sucks of this long, short life
Oh God, how to not be
So seriously?

Little bit of writing

2010-03-24T10:08:00.002+11:00

The sun stream feels exclusive to my little room, capturing growths of dust. It comes through the glass door, through a medley of fresh smudges, delivering the gift of warmth on my pale skin. I pull the door completely shut, softening the dog barks. Down the bottom the door is peppered and striped with specks of mud the size of pine nuts from our dog. She thrashes around, showing hairy angry eyebrows. She tries to rip the hose to shreds but can’t really be bothered. Neither can I, today.

My foot slips off the other chair it’s resting lazily on. I can’t be bothered to reinstate it. I just slump further, watching the dog. Her eyes are looking up at me. She’s given up on the hose and now is spreading her drool across the bottom of the door. A mixture of dog spit and mud. The origination of the aforementioned smudges.

She sings a melancholic tune, I think she thinks she’s singing. She doesn’t realise we all cringe at the noise, she thinks it’s pretty. But what can we say to her. Stop your beautiful singing, young one? She doesn’t do at it night and for that I’m thankful. Nobody has complained yet. If poison turns up in your food, girl, I’m sorry but I didn’t want to stop you singing. God will keep you safe anyway.

From inside I can see a beetle climbing over mountains of grass blades. Up and down. Gone now, down into the abyss of the garden bed. Must look huge to him right now. To me, nothing. If i walk out there, i may kill him, and not even know it. His little journey, over. How long as he been trying to get across our lawn? How long? Does he mind that the dog doesn’t seem to even notice his presence? I doubt it.

The extra grass has been left on top by the groundskeeper. Not even sure if that’s what they’re still called. He assumes everyone goes to work in the day. I don’t. I study, I write, I listen, I read, I watch. I hang out here in the day. And he ruins my little utopia. It’s so noisy. So much noise, with that ride-on mower. He looks in sometimes too, guessing nobody to be home. Always a bit of a fright. Guess he can’t apologise. He’s stopping the snakes from getting closer to our house without us knowing. I get it.

My phone goes off and I realise I’ve been sitting here writing for half an hour. It’s soon becoming late morning and I cherish the time coming that I have an excuse to sit and watch a film, for uni. Close quarters with myself, and it’s nice; a refined little living, but I like it. Me myself and I get along just fine these days. It’s everyone else that messes things up. Just let me be.

That's what I call blogging...

2010-03-19T23:44:00.004+11:00

A good blog post by a friend, here.

I just think that's a great post. Perhaps because it echoes my thoughts recently on boycotting and lefties and fair trade and all of that... how much energy do I put into avoiding buying something that is affiliated with one of the infamous shitty companies... or, refusing to purchase anything from Maccas on a road trip? Or making it uncomfortable for people who do... now to be honest I stopped trying so hard to dogmatically avoid all of that at least 6 months ago... because shouldn't the focus be on putting your energy into doing good rather than avoiding doing anything bad?

I'm tired of putting my energy into trying to avoid doing wrong when I'm implicit in SO MUCH injustice, why spend all that time and effort trying to avoid the little, randomly selected bits I've happened to notice for some arbitrary reason? And in ways that probably won't actually get noticed or make much difference?! Writing to companies, I get it. That is positive action. But personally spending precious brain power deciding which candy bar from a servo will cause me less guilt... I think I should save my energy for DOING good, not just avoiding bad.

/rant :)

Questions to myself, today...

2010-03-05T18:03:00.003+11:00

Why are you like this?

Why can't you do what you know you should?

Why haven't you stopped this happening by now? Why are you surprised that things haven't magically changed?

Why are you so completely unmotivated sometimes, so confused sometimes, and so madly driven do everything at other times? Why the extremes? Are you doing something to cause it?

Who do you actually think you are? Why is it so hard for you to define yourself? Why is that so scary?

Why are you so defective?

Why do you have so much anger?

When will you finally get yourself sorted?

Will you ever be able to be financially dependent? Will you ever be able to live and work like a normal person?

Why do you seem younger than you ought to?

Why is it always hard and always a struggle with you??

A whinge

2010-02-24T21:11:00.003+11:00

Long distance relationship stress, geographical loss of 5 close friends, verbal abuse, being really sick for a week of my 7 week internship, the enthustiastic return of my long time 'chum' insomnia, having to move back home and stop working... which means minimal money or independence. Again.

Then recently - my gmail account and facebook getting hacked into and me being locked out of my email for a day and my facebook for almost two weeks (which included my birthday - not a big deal but it's nice when everyone says happy birthday on facebook...) and then a car accident yesterday. Complete with a concussion, and a sore head (and neck, and upper back).

And to top all that off... stress from other quarters resulting in a stellar one-hour sleep last night. One hour. Normally my bad insomnia looks more like 3 or 4 hours... but no. This is a new low. Not sure if this was caused by people drama or the concussion which apparently can cause all sorts of weird things... but anyhoo, that 1 hour was thanks to a drug anyway. So if I'd taken nothing who knows if I'd have slept at all.

Today, more people drama... stress... had to sleep on the floor of an office for half the day. Feeling useless. It was actually The Moderator's office... I hope his office is super blessed otherwise I've probably just cursed it with my presence.

Sometimes I just feel like saying 'leave me the f--- alone!' to everyone and everything. I want nothing more right now than to eat junk food and sit at home on the couch watching TV shows or movies. I was away all weekend... and then I gotta travel two hours each day for the internship. It's travel travel travel, wait wait wait. And now it's 'blank blank blank' as I meander through the post-crash daze. I seem able to spend whole hours staring at things... with my brain half engaged in some trivial thought but not really. I knew yesterday was shock, guess today was more sleep deprivation.

Gotta give it to qantas though, they were SO good about it. I had to get on a plane about 20 mins after the accident... I notified someone, cos I was running late, and they must've told all the cabin crew, who were so attentive. Perhaps too attentive as one lady was so warm and nice that I let my guard down and burst out crying. She offered me a juice... which I couldn't have as it had two different types of preservatives in it. Was a nice thought though, I considered drinking it so that she wouldn't think I was rude... then she brought me about 20 tissues, all split in half cos she couldn't get them out but wanted to grab me some ASAP. That's sweet.

Then a steward approached me to see if he could be of service. That was nice... though he then wanted to tell me about car accidents he's had. I told him that my bf didn't cause it and that I wasn't worried about financial stuff (I must look so povo sometimes? lol I don't mind...) but that I was just in shock.

Interesting though, the guy who caused the accident (driving into the car behind us going about 60k an hour whilst we're pulled up at a red light at an intersection) was on drugs at the time... which would explain him getting out and running across road, oblivious to traffic, and yelling obscenities at nobody. Apparently that wasn't the first accident he'd been in that day... and as a serious coincidence, my bf's mum came across him earlier in the day trying to steal prescription drugs at a doctor's surgery. Small world. (Well... it's a pretty small city). So this guy had just gotten out of jail... and will be back in shortly. Three cheers for our justice system which has served this drug addict well.

I so need some TLC. Was going to have a bath but don't have the energy or will to really be bothered. So I put on Arrested Development and bought a bag of mint lollies almost all of which is now in my tummy. Now to take the concussion-compatible antihistamines I was given today by a pharmacist in order to get some zzzz... will hopefully knock me out by 10:30. I will welcome sleep with open arms!

Thank you Mr Hacker

2010-02-12T08:26:00.001+11:00

I now don't have facebook anymore and it makes me sad. :(

Making an oath to myself

2010-02-10T19:53:00.006+11:00

I'm really sick of not feeling healthy half the time. I need to smarten up and just cut to the chase.

I WILL get into a good sleep routine and stick with it. In bed with lights out by 11pm, up and out of bed by 7:30am. On a regular basis - 90% of the time. I can do this damnit, it's not rocket science! It really shouldn't be that hard. It seems stupid that I struggle with this... I mean I know why I do but I need to put this as priority #1 for soooooooo many reasons other than that it's just a good idea for people generally in order to be healthy.

Secondly, I WILL exercise at least 5 times a week, regardless of excuses and reasons why I can't... like today, I didn't exercise, as I left the house at 7am and got home at 7:30pm. That's the way it is twice a week... so I'll just have to make sure I exercise every other day of the week then. At the moment... I do go for walks. Probably averages out to once or twice a week, though before I was doing well with going just about every day. Things got busy though... I played tennis this past Monday night - which was fun! - and the weekend before I went kayaking - which was even more fun! So I have learnt to make exercise more a part of my life thankfully... but still not quite there yet.

That's it. I know if I kept these two things up, I know I will feel dramatically better and then I'll be able to do all these things that I want to do and contribute in all the ways I want to. I write better when I feel healthy - who would've guessed it?? - and every single thing is easier if I'm well rested and active. I dunno why the progress is SO slow with this but I WILL get there. I have free will, after all!

Old habits die sooooooooo hard! Just a word of advice, think twice before letting a shitty habit become ingrained in you! (I have picked up some good ones lately as well - like buying freshly squeezed juices from this place near my work... and eating a banana every day. And drinking beer instead of spirits. It's something!)

Christian book titles...

2010-01-28T15:38:00.004+11:00

These are just too good to not share!

I've been doing some DVD and book reviews as part of my internship. These are some of the book titles I've come across.

Silent Savior: Daring to Believe He's Still There (A. J. Gregory)

Junkie Meets Jesus in a Trash Can (Colin Garnett)

C Through Marriage (Get it..) (Jim Hughes)

The Jesus Way: The Essential Christian Starter Kit (Really wish I was kidding about that one) (Peter Walker)

Spiritual Steps on the Road to Success: Gaining the Goal without Losing Your Soul(!) (Linda Seger)

Watch Out! Godly Women on the Loose! (*faint*) (Coralie Thornton)

My Donkey Body: Living with a Body that No Longer Obeys You! (Michael Wenham)

How to Keep Your Inner Mess from Trashing Your Outer World (or... how to CLEAN UP your inner mess might be even better?! Be as screwed up as you want just don't LOOK it for God's sake!) (Bill Giovannetti)

Crying Scarlet Tears (oh BOY) (Sophie Scott)

Shame Off You! How to Live 100% Guilt Free (Shame off! Like Poo Off... just kills everything!) (Martin Steel)

...and my personal favourite:
Grace on the Go: Quick Prayers for Determined Dieters (Give us today our diet coke? And lead us not into any Krispy Kremes... and deliver us from Dominoes)(Barbara Bartocci)

Thinking about thinking.

2010-01-23T00:16:00.001+11:00

I just read something interesting.

Making mistakes might be a good thing. Obviously not deliberately making them – but allowing yourself and others to make them could help everyone in the long run. For some people, this would seem like obvious advice...

But we’re really freakin’ scared of stuffing up in our society. Don’t know if you’ve noticed, people care way too much about what others are thinking of their ‘performance’.

Our natural intelligence means that we are constantly learning as we go based on the ‘yes’ or ‘no’ (or positive or negative) response we get to any given action, right? And you’ll never learn anything better than with firsthand experience. Through trial and error.

There's a reason ‘previous experience’ is listed as essential in most job criteria. Like practice - the mere act of practicing anything will make you more intelligent when it comes to that act. Better. Faster. It’s natural and highly useful conditioning. You automatically adjust how you think based on results. You get something seriously wrong and, generally, you remember not to do it again or you at least remember to take the other path instead.

So by short-circuiting this process, through us all being really scared of making mistakes or looking silly – and our belief that we needn’t stuff up, we can just take good advice on all topics to avoid 'losing face' – could be detrimental for our intelligence in the long run. We can read lots of advice on topics, which will probably help, but we don’t gain that self confidence that comes from being able to trust ourselves, due to our own experiences... Imagine the confidence knowing that all you need is your own mind. You were designed to be a pretty good in-house advisor for yourself... can we really bypass the mistakes and get straight to the success? I don’t know... maybe self-trust is more important than what you 'know' from study.

It’s hard to trust that intelligence though since inevitably you will stuff up... but better to make plenty of small mistakes now and learn well than to make ‘no’ mistakes and little headway in terms of self confidence and intelligence... and overall skills.

What is really so bad about getting things wrong and making mistakes? Really, what is the big deal? (I’m asking myself...) I think those who don’t take themselves so seriously are admirable... the ones who can smile easily after doing something stupid in front of a room of people. Having so much pride as to think you won’t stuff up – surely that’s more humiliating overall... something to be more embarrassed about.

I know one problem I have with all this is that I think people don’t change their minds about me – I think people will get ‘stuck’ on a notion about me or a way of seeing me and they won’t let it go even once I’ve progressed and changed and learnt. If their notion of me is of a person who is keen to learn and not afraid to make mistakes, I guess that’s not such a bad thing to live with... but I really don’t know what they’re thinking. And anyway, why should it matter so much? (Again, asking myself...)

My dad reckons pride is the worst of all sins. Maybe that’s right – if we can’t accept our imperfection, we’re not really accepting God... we’re not loving others as ourselves since we can’t accept the true nature of ourselves to begin with.

The same place I read about this stuff also said that a key to all this is ‘fearlessness’. Not ridding yourself of useful fears such as ‘OMG my brakes aren’t working, that could be a problem’, but fears that are irrational. I tie this in with anxiety, really... seems to be one in the same. Which I guess means I’m a very afraid sort of person... that has certainly been true at times throughout my life, no doubt. Apparently to confront irrational fears you need to go deeper into them, get to the root of it, and challenge it.

And that stuff works if you do it, more so than the fluffy affirmations and motivational CDs which promise ease, lightning fast results, and no cost to you... at all. You get nothing for nothing.

Someone also said to me once that nothing worth having is easy to get. I’m starting to see that... shortcuts are actually longcuts.

Brain meltdown... christianity you ruined everything!

2010-01-08T17:54:00.003+11:00

I'm starting to wonder if the only way to survive in our society is to think primarily of taking care of yourself... you know, survival instincts. Cos that's what the whole thing is based around - look better, make more money for yourself, get to x, y, z... that's how our whole system works... if you're not motivated by all those things you won't be paying other ppl for all this stuff... and you won't earn much respect.

To care more about the appearance of having your shit together over actually having it together.
Hell, to care more about appearances than just about anything else.
To be motivated by getting yourself further, to get more for yourself/ family/ partner, to compete with everyone else to get to the top...

To be confident, funny, smart, entertaining (perhaps or often at the expense of others), have a good body, be 'well groomed', have the best apartment in the best location in the best city... to have money, plenty of money. To be independent at all costs! To be successful!!! And to not, in any circumstances, be made to look like you can't handle it all.

How does one whose motivations and moral compass is so contradictory to this even begin surviving or enjoying living in this society? .... WITHOUT going nuts? (or more nuts, in my case...)

Clever.

2009-12-13T23:48:00.004+11:00

I just read on wikipedia about two activists in Israel a while back who were engaged in a wide variety of acts of non-violent civil disobedience including handcuffing themselves in place during a talk by the then Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin. They proceeded to shout their protestations about Rabin before an audience of foreign officials and dignitaries...

Hehe. The cleverness of some civil disobedience actions makes me smile. It's smarter than violence, smarter than impulsive hotheaded lashing out at the enemy... it is dignified, effective and usually demonstrates integrity and clear-headed determination that appeals to people.

Reminds me of something Shane Claiborne did... he and a mate somehow got in to the White House for some VIP dinner with the president... with his dreads I'm not sure how he wasn't weeded out earlier but anyhoo... during the President's address Claiborne stood up and started loudly reading passages of scripture (the bits that George W probably wouldn't have been too familiar with) and was quickly snapped up by some security guards. They put him in a closet whilst deciding what to do with him. When they opened the closet door again they wanted to know if he was a protester. He replied that no, he wasn't, he was a prophet. And they couldn't really arrest him for that so they just let him go... (outside of course!).

It's like these crazy kids I know who participated in a sit-in at Parliament House over the Government's CPRS (continue polluting regardless scheme)... I think the police found it hard to be cross with them since they were so peaceful and generally pleasant. I think civil disobedience recognises that there's no use pissing the enemy off so they hate us more - rather, let's try to get them to listen.

Even crazier, yet deeply admirable too, are the people who are still fasting and have been for ~37 days in the lead up to Copenhagen... climatejusticefast.com ... fasting must be the ultimate in effectiveness when it comes to non-violent resistance. It draws so much attention to the issue in such a powerful way. Kudos to those participating in the fast. Let's hope your actions will bring about some serious action... like a commitment by the developed world's leaders to 100% renewable energy by 2020. Gosh that'd be nice.

'Leviticus was obviously a reasonable chap...'

2009-12-08T22:36:00.004+11:00

I received this as an email forward. This was just too good not to post - pure gold. Enjoy... I did!

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger ( A popular conservative radio talk show host in the USA) said that homosexuality is an abomination according to the Bible , Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual unseemliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9.. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws?
(Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus Dept. of
Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia

RANT: The objectification of women.

2009-12-08T13:07:00.004+11:00

I am troubled by the idea that, amongst mainstream society, going to strip clubs is 'normal'... and the general idea amongst 'mainstream' society that there is nothing really wrong with it other than it might be a little bit of a 'naughty' thing for a guy to do... you know... slap on the wrist... behave yourself... laugh about it...

I don't find strip clubs funny. In fact I find them really, really disgusting and totally demeaning towards women. This may seem obvious to the small number of people who may read this blog... but apparently this is not taken so seriously 'out there' in the broader Australian population, or American population for that matter.

I was talking with a male about strip clubs... this person thought that, from a Christian perspective, promiscuous [consensual] sex/ one night stands was WORSE than going to strip clubs. I totally disagreed. I thought that the attitude towards women demonstrated in an environment such as a strip club was far more damaging than the culture of young people sleeping around. Of course promiscuity and one night stands is not great either... but it's two people who want sex no strings attached, it's at least even... strip clubs is women submitting to men for money. Don't give me that shit that it's their choice and it's not hurting anyone - bullshit. Women who have healthy self esteems don't do this. Women who know their worth as people and not just sex objects don't strip in clubs for men to gawk at them. Women who 'enjoy' this have simply been conditioned to think of themselves that way because of our society.

In the film The Hangover - now, I obviously wasn't expecting anything deep or artistic here, of course - a bunch of guys go away for a Bucks weekend. The plan is strip clubs, booze, drugs, whatever... 'anything goes'. The ONLY voice in the entire movie that poses the question of whether or not there's something morally wrong with strip clubs comes from a character who is so ridiculously one-dimensional - a naggy bitchy anal retentive type who is 'no fun'. This just pisses me off. One character, "happily" married with kids, goes to a strip club and has half naked strippers all over him (we only see pictures)... but this is regarded with an air of lightheartedness... 'well boys will be boys'. An lighthearted and jovial acceptance of this kind of behaviour just totally pisses me off.

Then I go on facebook... and I see so many female friends who have begun to embrace this view of women. Why? I'm not sure, because they're told that that's what they should be? They've been told again and again, outright and through more subtle messages, that how sexy they are is directly related to the value they possess as a human being, because they're female. Girls are now doing it to themselves, saving men the effort - posting pictures of their boobs popping out of some busty outfit. Women used to be offended by far less than this.

I think true feminists are rare indeed which makes me both angry and sad. Demand respect, women of Australia. It's hard to deserve it if we don't even ask for it??

Balance? Argh.

2009-11-26T23:19:00.003+11:00

Lord help me to be more balanced.

Lord help me to not take everything so seriously all of the time.

Is it any wonder I feel so tired and drained and lack energy these days? I gotta admit, I dunno how much longer I can maintain my cynical ultra radical left-wing liberal anti-western-culture, anti-consumerism/capitalism worldview before I end up depressed and bitter as all hell in a cave beating myself up over not doing enough... OR without swinging totally back into self indulgent spending, consuming and dismissing/ignoring all the world's problems.

Why do I have to be so extreme? Why do I find it near impossible to be balanced about things? Is it that all this passion I have has to be channeled somewhere??? I'm so tired and not energetic these days cos I'm carrying the world on my shoulders. I used to be so much more optimistic, loving and alive... more open minded. Happy-go-lucky. I used to do drama, write and read lots, have many different types of friends and groups I could be a part of, have opinions that weren't always on the radical left, interests other than church things... oh I just don't know.

This happens every month or two, this crisis point. This 'I can't keep doing this' where I go the other extreme and want to go back to my 'old life'... but I don't want to do that. I just want to reconcile parts of the western culture - that I live in, that is a part of me, that all my family and friends are a part of - with my beliefs about God and politics...

I think I spend too much time with people who think the same way I do. That is a little dangerous, spending all your time with one group of people. Reading all the same types of things, seeing the same types of films, talking about the same topics, writing about the same topics. Things get a little unbalanced. I don't feel normal with a 'normal' group of people my age anymore. I find it hard to relate. I leave going 'Wow am I really that disconnected from mainstream society?' I don't like that. And I'm hardly useful spouting my own radical left wing stuff amongst my left wing friends, am I? Or muttering to myself about Michael Moore movies and how great they are... 'trivial' things are still allowed to matter even though people in third world countries are dying every day. In fact, trivial things need to matter so we can keep our sanity. I have a guilt complex that drains me and leaves me paralysed.

I'm sick of even analysing this - I honestly just feel like going on a big shopping spree right now and watching pretty, skinny girls on TV whom I can admire and pretend to see myself in.

I wrote a draft post about how happy I am right now...

2009-11-10T21:08:00.002+11:00

And then I received the sad news of an old school friend dying of cancer. It was her 23rd birthday on Sunday... I guess she hung on to see the huge birthday celebrations that were thrown for her (really, huge). It's just so sad that I dunno where to begin.

I wasn't very close with her. I did go to primary and high school with her though and whilst we were friends then I haven't seen her for a long time (perhaps a year). She was a very friendly person and even after getting the terrible diagnosis two years ago she was optimistic and brave in the face of it.

I just couldn't imagine burying my daughter at 23... who the hell knows what to make of that? I don't.

I'm hoping to make it to the funeral since I'll be in that area this weekend anyway.

It doesn't make sense to me. But I was told not long ago to stop trying to make sense of everything and just 'relax into God' and just try and trust him. Surely that's all one can do faced with news such as this.

Tired

2009-11-06T22:09:00.002+11:00

In one way I'm so very happy right now and feeling so very blessed. In fact I feel pretty happy and pretty blessed in most ways. However I'm really getting tired of feeling tired.

I'm beginning to wonder if I've got chronic fatigue syndrome. I don't think I do but I'm still wondering about it. I'm just really tired most of the time and don't have much energy or motivation to do anything. This also means I feel cranky and irritable - and stressed. I've realised over the past couple of months that I have too much on. Too many nights out on a regular basis. Too many responsibilities. But what to do?

At the end of the day all I can really do is ask that what God wants for my life will happen. I despair at feeling like being a Christian has become a monotonous set of 'to-do' lists, meetings and tiresome obligations. It shouldn't be like that... but how else do you be a part of all the things you want to be a part of? How do you do all you want to do without all that stuff?

Anyway... after talking more with D about it, I realised that I need to set some priorities. Things like youth group are nice but in the end I don't actually feel called to do that - the reason I know I don't feel called is that I don't enjoy it anymore. In fact I just cringe when I think of having to prepare for it... or getting stressed out for 2 hours. I end up snapping at kids and not actually being a good leader at all. When really, surely the point of youth group is to show these kids God's love? When I go to youth group at the end of a long week or work/uni/other church stuff, feeling tired and stressed and cranky, I don't feel very loving. And I'm pretty sure it shows. When talking with D about it I realised that I want to do so much, create so much change... as Jesse says I want to change the world. I get frustrated. But I need to go with my skills, here. And I have a gift with writing. The only problem is I don't cultivate that gift. I don't do any of the things I should be doing. I treat my university studies as a chore, a pain in the ass, something to 'get through' rather than what it is - me learning how to be a better writer.

I don't have the time or energy to read anymore - and for anyone reading this who is a writer, you'll know that you cannot be a good writer without being an avid reader - and don't have the time or energy to practice writing. And so my writing doesn't improve much. I can write well but it's not the same as before when I knew I had a special gift and other people would tell me so... and I enjoyed it! It came naturally to me because it was a gift, a passion, it felt right. I want that back. And I want to use that gift - what I believe to be one of my most fruitful gifts - for good.

And so... I'm going to scale a lot of things back and start reading and writing again. I completed my Major Work for my experimental writing subject a week ago. It's not great but for the first time in ages I actually enjoyed putting it together (another thing I have D to thank for - getting me to set aside and plan enough time to do it properly). So here's an excerpt. I cringe at posting this as I don't think it's altogether anything special. But this is part of me getting my gift back. It's practice.

out the corner of your life you spy
a clock. counting down the tears to your breakdown
time sees the mess of heavy aches
caused by clock’s dead-lines
but time never meant to do those things to you

you continue learning about that clock power
clock’s turning – how it devours
clock as lawn mower to flatten the clovers
sometimes you wish you could take the clovers to heart
but you don’t have time

time never breaks a promise
the bus always comes.
it's something I must live with everyday

time captures everything
every snowflake
every smoke ring
time is a baby burp
a receipt. printing.
time is trips down memory ladders
for wasting good intentions
a second taste
lips shake all over and around, kisses forever time to smell, the mountains time to weep and moan, from falling over... the happiest day I knew, perfect day so long, we were young, belly full of everything true, hour edges rounded new...

now you’ve been on hold forever, getting old
free time doesn’t hang around you anymore
now it’s whatever gets you through the night
even the poor got time. Do you?

the clock unreaches goals and doesn’t sleep
magnificently
don’t be the clock’s collateral
forget how often monday morning comes around
forget deadlines past deadline
and tear stained stress
and words scattered like minutes
“we don’t have time for this.”
how selfish of me
to have a breakdown
Climb out of the valley of the ordinary!
drop the phone.
stop the clocks.
you’ll get tossed by the waves but will not be sunk

then you can feel
the adolescent légèreté
of freedom

I've been asked to blog

2009-10-13T23:44:00.003+11:00

And in the interests of not putting things off (something I talked about with my psychologist today) I thought maybe I'd just do a quick one now. It's 11:47pm and I should be asleep as I have to work tomorrow (and catch the bus since my car is still at the mechanics).

There are plenty of things to talk about. Plenty. Many good things to be poured over ad nauseum :) I feel like I'm coming out of a tough period in my life (not a matter of weeks but years). Not that the pain or discomfort or hardship is all over, not at all. Just more manageable. More at a level I can cope with and I feel like I'm collecting the skills needed to cope with life. And not only cope but to enjoy life, to really feel it and live it fully.

BlackStump was a partly frustrating, partly relaxing and partly amazing experience. Most church camps are like that... and the older I get the more they become frustrating/tiring, due to the inconvenience of camping... tests your patience and endurance, to say the least. Neither my patience nor my endurance are currently in need to testing, either. But I went - though sleep deprived, headachey and broke (after getting a $471.90 phone bill) and am really glad I did. Meg organised everything brilliantly, to nobody's surprise.

The bible study I went to was 'Money Sex and Power' by a guy called John Smith. It was fairly amazing and I amazed myself by being particularly struck by his talk on sex. Made me reconsider a few things - or perhaps made me come face to face with what I really thought about sex-related things in terms of my faith. He didn't touch on homosexuality... something that both frustrated me and left me equally relieved, as he may not have said what I wanted to hear, judging by a few things he implied in his talks... none of it judgey, just not as pro-Gay rights as I'd like. And as people who know me would gather by now, I'm pretty pro-Gay rights.

Some of the music was great, some was mediocre... I bought a playgerise CD (when I got home, mind you, to save myself $10!) which I quite like. I also saw Sons of Korah which was good but not long enough which was a bit disappointing. The lead singer had a throat infection... and the crowd made him play a second encore despite his attempts at resisting and walking off stage at least 5 times. Felt kind of bad cheering 'encore' when it's potentially ripping up his beautiful voice. He did it though :)

I've been working a bit less the past week or two, which has been nice. Not having the car has meant not having to pay for petrol which is a bonus... but has also been a bit of a pain in the ass. Today I got lucky in scoring a lift to work with Al who happened to be running late... left work at 3:30 and went op shopping as a bit of a treat... $25 later I had 4 new items of clothing and 2 nice mugs. Man I love op shopping. Anyway... then I went to the Nut and Deli shop which was pretty cool, never been in there before. Bought some banana chips and held off from buying chestnut cream.

Made my way to my appointment then got my brother to pick me up... from there we went via my house to collect Kim and then straight to the movies to see Couples Retreat. It was pretty funny, it was actually somewhat interesting as well as mildly entertaining considering it's a hollywood comedy. Went for ages though, around 2 hours. By the time I got home it was about 9pm and it was then I realised I had no food... and the whole not having a car thing became acutely inconvenient. I ended up throwing together mushrooms, onion, tomato and egg and just eating that. Did the trick but I've been eating eggs for two meals a day too much lately. It's all part of learning how to live out of home, I guess.

Well I think this is long enough... it's 5 past 12 and definitely past my bed time! I'll blog again soon I hope.

Filing time

2009-09-27T16:46:00.002+10:00

The other day my friend mentioned 'filing time.' Basically it means the time you spend filing or sorting things in your head. You normally do this when you're washing the dishes or walking the dog... things like that. But it's really important for your mental health that you have some filing time.

That's so true. Since cutting back to 1 subject this semester and working part time, I've actually had some spare time which I can mindfully choose how to spend. I've been doing some filing and am feeling so much better than at the start of this semester where I felt totally overwhelmed with everything.

I've moved out and so I have more space and time to myself for that reason too. I hope I'll be able to go back to full time study next year so that I can finish my degree by end of 2010. Having a disposable income and more time is going to be hard to give up for another year. But I've gained some good habits these past few months so I can only hope they'll get me through!

I'm really happy right now. One thing in particular has me especially chuffed but for now I think I'll keep that off the blog. But suffice to say that overall God is spoiling me lately :) (and I'm saying this on the hopefully tail end of a string of nasty cluster headaches! I must be in a good mood!! :)

Experimental writing - poem.

2009-09-26T11:12:00.003+10:00

Candy filled flavour fire
Nights late dancing tire
uncondone behaviour – likewise - noted
“you towning off, around, downtown
Your fucking strutting
on the curb, on the sidewalk
over the edge you are
You f**king fag***,
You’re no son of mine.”
----
On the phone,
alone and dark
and quiet, cold and windy,
New York way down the other line
Talking dreaming of better times

Behind the door
“You scum, you having fun?”
===
You’ll never know I’m actually just a boy sprung forth from mountains of love
Your love
A child
Your child
That’s all
How could you think I’m a monster?
----
No more cigarette burn
I can’t take it
Giant rocking gut throbber of a father
(Potential healer come underachiever)
By the way, i know you knew
Rewind the time you took your shoes off you walked barefoot on the wooden floorboards dusty covered wooden brown near my door and heard me say it
Say what I am
You watched out for the floor nails, your toes vulnerable

You thought
“Watch your step you dirty little prick”
Fuck you

I hate you

i love you
Leave me alone
Don’t make me
Please
I love you
Don’t make me
Do that to escape the fact that
you don't.
-----
On the cliff, on the ridge
To the right they’ll
Look down frock spangled heels rock grass red blood cotton
Spangled blood all over so sad eyes dead
Head mad
Head crumbled
Down there
A messy broken unloved uncrowned
Prince
Child
So beautiful
Laid to rest
Broken
So badly
Sadly
By one who knew not how to love
A boy who just wanted to live

Change

2009-08-27T15:30:00.002+10:00

Two of my favourite people are leaving. I honestly don't know how I'll go without them here... I'm pretty close to both of them.

To be honest I just kept wanting to believe they weren't actually going to leave. But now they both actually are.

I don't get to spend as much time with another close friend as I used to, either... not that I lost that person as a friend, cos I didn't, it's just that their time is not as available to me now. Which is okay it's just that I'm wondering exactly who I will hang out with next year... sounds kind of funny to say but I really am worried, mainly because I don't deal well with change.

These just happen to be the friends that ya don't even have to arrange to hang out with, the ones you see even when you're tired and you trust them to like you when you're not at your best. I have other friends, of course, but it's not quite the same...

And, actually, one of these people represents the only really close female friend I have here. My other close girl friends all live somewhere else.

Exercise, sugar, sleep

2009-08-22T11:55:00.004+10:00

One day I will get this right.

I need to be accountable. Almost nobody reads this thing, I think, but the fact that it's published somewhere out there with the possibility of someone reading it helps. A little.

I really want to be one of those people who is in bed asleep by 11pm. Not necessarily every night, but most nights. And one of those people who only has cake and lollies as treats or on special occasions. And one of those people who exercises properly and regularly.

My sleep and exercise patterns are both better than they used to be, no doubt about that... and my eating is really pretty good now. I actually eat fruit and vegetables on a regular basis! Go me! It's just the sugary crap I have to use to keep me going (due to lack of good sleep and exercise ;) that is the problem.

To motivate myself to exercise I'm going to go buy some new and comfortable exercise clothes. My sneakers should be okay for a little while longer but I don't have any clothes I feel comfortable working out in. Exercise is important enough for my health that I need to make it as easy as possible for myself to get out the door and do it at least every second day.

Oh and I need to set up my ipod. The one I got for Christmas... that has never been used. Today I'm going to go to the gym to use that machine where you're sort of running - I like that one, no idea what it's called :) ... And will be ipodless but I'm sure they'll have MTV on one of the screens...

I can do this! I should try as if my life depended on it cos it kind of does.

AboutFACE

2009-07-20T14:13:00.003+10:00

I have so much to say about AboutFACE but I'm so very tired. So if you're interested, you'll just have to wait :). But I'm back, safe and sound, and had an incredible time. God really blessed me.

Look! Yay :)

2009-07-20T14:11:00.001+10:00

published!

Why

2009-06-21T14:53:00.001+10:00

Two panadeine forte and two mercindol (calmative/analgesic) is what it took to finally get me to sleep at around 5 am before getting up at 8 to go to church this morning.

I hate insomnia.

2009-06-19T14:56:00.003+10:00

I'm listening to a uni lecture at the moment and it's a guest journo who covers criminal cases. One day he was in court covering a story about a guy who punched a police horse on New Years eve!! How funny and stupid is that.

When the magistrate stood seriously reading out what the charge was everyone dissolved into laughter and the judge had to call for order - one guy had to excuse himself and the journo could hear him laughing down the corridor.

The law is an ass (a horse's ass!)

In response to a comment on my previous post...

2009-06-16T23:32:00.003+10:00

I'll give an example of how relativity affects generosity.

Tonight I saw Samson and Delilah at the movies. It was heartbreaking. But brilliant.

Delilah and her nana work on Aboriginal paintings ALL DAY LONG. That's all they really do. A white man comes every so often and tells them how many he needs, picks up the finished ones, and pays them some small amount which I'm not sure of. For the sake of discussion, $200 for 2 paintings? This may seem generous. Until Delilah goes into the city and sees the paintings being sold in an uptown art gallery for $20,000.

How can generosity NOT be relative? I suppose Hungry Jacks are generous for giving away free re-fills? And Telstra are generous for giving away 100 free calls? Despite the fact that these two corporations make millions and millions of dollars.

It would be counterproductive to end up with absolutely nothing yourself. I'm not sure where I said that or who said that. Shane Claiborne certainly never said that. He is a fan of Theology of Enough. Enough for everyone, this includes him.

2009-06-15T00:04:00.004+10:00

“True generosity is measured not by how much we give away but by how much we have left...”

Shane Claiborne.

Excellent quote

2009-06-14T12:40:00.003+10:00

"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship. Christian scholarship is the Church’s prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament."

Soren Kierkegaard.

Found on p. 71 of The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne.

More stuff.

2009-06-14T11:59:00.002+10:00

So tired, so much to do. Why am I blogging??

I’ve got at least a bit of an outline for the article now. I should just keep going on it...........

J’s birthday/ welcoming baby J into the world was lovely yesterday. Although I really shouldn’t drink. I was driving so i only had two drinks max spread over 7 hours but alcohol is just an unhappy bitch to me and I’d really rather we just cut contact altogether - it's over so stop calling me you mole!

Baby J is sooooooooooooooooo cute. So many cute babies around. I’ve been blessed by them. I guess that’s what you get for being part of a young congregation with lots of young couples. Babehs.

Baby J has these lil MC Hammer pants – they’re puffy and adorable and look so warm. I rocked her to sleep and held her for about an hour and a half... it was so lovely. If I could feed her then I would’ve just taken her with me, gotten in the car and drove away without ever coming back! But I’m somewhat under qualified to breastfeed...

Jeremy made an absolutely revolting “cocktail” – a concoction of green crap with lots of pink crap and way too much rum. I had the tiniest sip and felt sick! He downed the whole thing. He’d already had a long island iced tea by that stage so he probably couldn’t taste anything anyway. J & M’s place is always relaxed and always welcoming. You just feel at home at their place no matter where they live. Evidently a little too relaxing for some – Jeremy fell asleep on the couch when Kim was trying to put baby J to sleep...

There was a guy there, Tim, from Get Up who was interesting and larger than life! We talked about a few different things... and eventually we somehow got around to what I would do if I had $200,000 (one of those what do you really want to do things). I said I’d been thinking of this website I’d like to create – kind of a one stop shop for ethical purchasing... for everything. The obvious ones like coffee, chocolate, tea – but also clothes, baby products, health products, cosmetic products, jewellery (including wedding bands)... obviously not all these things have the certified fair trade logo on them but the idea would be that I’d do all the running around trying to find the most ethical way to buy things (that won’t break the budget) so that people can use my website as a resource for ethical consumerism. He thought I should try doing something similar on Twitter – I’ve been assiduously avoiding Twitter since I first heard about it – where I post updates about websites I come across... and tag them (like you do with a blog) so that if someone goes on my Twitter page they can see all the categories. He said it’d be a good idea cos I may never get around to doing the website properly without knowing first if it would work.

So, hmmmmm. Anyway. Gotta keep writing this article. I love how this thing is a great excuse to talk to myself. :)

Stuff - stalling on article & ranting

2009-06-12T23:24:00.005+10:00

I just realised there's no end in sight to this crazy busyness.

My next 'then I can relax and have a little break' just disappeared. I just checked to see when semester 2 begins - I leave for my whirlwind AboutFACE trip (4 states in 3 weeks) 2 days after my last exam... and I get back one day before semester 2 begins.

Is there a certain point where you just drop dead or does your body just keep going cos it has to?

I'm not unhappy - in fact, I'm having a good time overall and have been really happy the last couple of weeks. But for some reason it is impossible for me to be balanced in my commitments. It's all or nothing! It's 11:30pm... I got home around 9:15 from a 3 hour stint at youth group. It was fun but pretty hectic. We combined remix and EM for the first hour which meant there were quite a few leaders which suited me fine... however the second half, the 'cooking with a twist' bit was very unplanned. We threw it together at the last minute. We ended up with icing sugar, choc chips, pancake mix, bread sticks, marshmellows, all sorts of syrups and jam too... and told everyone to 'make something'.

We had to figure out how to work the crepe maker - it makes crepes just fine, it's just that you can't actually get them off once you've made them. But Tara worked out a bit of a system and all was okay in the end, the kids had fun as usual. We timed them as they'd run up (one at a time) and create something... some of them were so cute. One girl made a very convincing turtle out of biscuits and mini marshmellows. Another made a koala's face which was also quite believable! They're great kids except very, very energetic and a couple of them are so loud.

I had some extra help tonight from Kim and the other leaders were generally really good so I'm glad that it all went okay and Kim (like usual) was on top of the cooking and washing up so it wasn't as late as could be.... almost left the hall with all the heaters on though. Lucky Tim mentioned something or else there may have been a big bill to own up to!

Got home and they were watching Bridget Jones 2... I was so tired I just couldn't help myself. I watched the end with them... then when they left I didn't move from the chair and what do ya know it just started itself again. So I thought 'who am I to mess with fate' and watched it... well, the first half anyway. Then had a shower so I won't have to tomorrow morning and hopefully we can get to James and Michelle's place by 1pm-ish.

I was meant to do work on the article tonight after youth - wondering if that was ever going to happen, really. I should try and do some now before bed... bed should be now but this article really needs doing. Really. I've got Sunday... and Monday morning, I suppose... then I work tues, wed, thurs and I'll need to study my ass off for the two exams coming up.

There are some real dickheads at Monash Uni. The Media Law lecturer took marks off my essay because I referenced one of the excerpts in our Reader... because I wrote the reference details he had put in. I put them in the correct order but I used the same details cos, duh, that's all I had and I'd assumed he'd find himself correct if he had to mark it?? What a tosser. He also gave me the exact same mark as the last essay. A friggen credit (high-ish but still, two credits... not good). He expects a seriously HUGE amount of information to be included in 1200 words. It's a third year subject... why make the word limit so small?

Then there's my dickhead of a creative writing lecturer... I LOVE the content of this subject, love love love it... but he's really quite incompetent as a marker and teacher. He decided that since we hadn't 'responded' to the lectures he put up online that he mightn't bother with the rest.... (students can't make comments directly on the lectures, they're pdf attachments??)... I kindly replied 'I think it's safe to say that all DE students will be reading the lectures, thanks...' What did he expect? For us all to write on the discussion board how impressed we were and well done! It must've taken you a long time! ??

He wanted us to write a short story as our major work... but didn't give us any short stories to read, only excerpts of novels and such. This is apparently his first time. I guess it annoys me because I'm not happy with any of my tutors or lecturers this semester. Don't even get me started on the Editing guy... seriously such a douche. He penalised half the DE class for something I'm assuming none of us did (I certainly didn't) and then sent out an email saying 'well, in light of all the responses I've received, I'm willing to waiver the penalty... this is because some students are not familiar with the online software.'

He just couldn't help himself. I've had several problems (as in, he says something should/is one way and in fact when I use the software, it's not) and apparently all of these things are my fault. He will not accept that there's a problem with the system or that he's doing something wrong.

I'm very computer literate and I've been using Monash's online systems for two years... how does he think I've managed to get this far, I don't know... the main thing that shits me is that he goes on and on all through the lectures 'oh please I love feedback, I love questions, I love complaints, tell me if there is a problem, I'm MORE than WILLING to help anybody with anything so please tell me if something is bothering you, I'm always willing to work it out so we can all get the best out of this unit'... blah blah blah it's honestly a complete front, just total bullshit. You try and approach him with a problem and he's so defensive that you wished you'd never said anything. He just blames you instead.

Well that's enough of my ranting. And I'm stalling. It's now midnight... and my article isn't any closer to being done. Or even hardly started...

Dear Diary...

2009-06-10T21:27:00.008+10:00

I handed in my assignment yesterday. I was relieved to have it in but it was pretty shit, really. Read over it today (never do a post mortem with assignments - it won't make you feel any better) It was just rushed... I never know how to finish a short story. I just can't write them, I don't know how. Cos I read novels, I know how to write like that... and I know how to write articles because I try and read them too... but I never read short stories - ergo, I dunno how to write them.

So the writing itself wasn't necessarily bad but the plot progression as a whole... totally crap. I worked out way too late I was trying to fit too much in for 2000 words. But the lecturer didn't say anything about it when he double ticked my proposal. I'm not happy with him, anyway. Let's just say he told me to buy a grammar guide...

I have a great grasp of grammar, punctuation and spelling. I always have. I stupidly assumed that a creative writing lecturer would be able to understand the difference between bad grammar and playing around/ experimenting with syntax... but apparently not. Anyway, he gave me a distinction so I won't bother requesting a re-mark.

I had my AboutFACE Support Group meeting tonight. It was good. Al slept through it - luckily I'm aware of his ongoing support anyway - and it felt nice to have some of my favourite people there ready to support me. I'm feeling good about it.

Work is going well! I don't like some of the telemarketing aspects but it's not as bad as it sounds. Cold calling people who have never been our customers sucks. Calling previous customers to inform them of upgrades, new promotions or to do a bill analysis, I don't mind that. Turns out I'm not too bad at cold calling, anyway. We actually do get some leads out of it which is good for the company and therefore makes me feel good. The boss is a nice guy.

I've got an article due with Insights on Monday. A review of Shane Claiborne's book and DVD. I offered to do it back when I was obsessed with him - now that my obsession has fizzled out, I still have to do the review... oh well. I'm gonna have to get stuck into it tomorrow after work.

Then the week after next I have two exams that I'm really not looking forward to. That week is basically going to suck - two major exams, work, packing and stressing about leaving for AboutFACE on the Sunday. Just thinking about that week makes me anxious.

Tomorrow I'm going to look over Shane's stuff for this article, try and study a bit, plan and prepare for Thursday dinner (Mediterranean salad and pumpkin soup with coconut milk). Friday will be crammed full with study and article writing... and then Saturday off to Sydney for a friend's birthday. There'll be lots of eating. And baby cuddling. It should be just luverly. (If my shitty lecturer is reading this, that was deliberate!)