Shit happens

I take shit happens to be the less elegant form of the buddhist notion that life is unsatisfactory... and in accepting this to be the case, it becomes more satisfactory. I understand this as it comes down to expectation. Expecting things to go well means that we spend a great deal of time feeling sorry for ourselves or angry at God/ the world/ our parents/ our boss etc when things don't go our way. We are angered by a false expectation. We don't seem to learn from this though... I suppose because we're conditioned to have these high standards? Simple pleasures are no longer enough for an over-entertained, over-indulging culture and things need to be better and better... we develop a stubborn sense of entitlement.

Accepting suffering can be powerful. Shit does happen. Some days or weeks you can encounter an obstacle at every turn. Accepting that this is the way it is frees us from the anger and bitterness and depression that comes from feeling that we've been treated unfairly - that the universe is somehow picking on us.

I guess this could sound depressing... but it frees a fragile mind from constant disappointment or from constant imagining of oneself as a particular victim. So much of buddhism centres around seeing things as they really are - mindfulness encourages observing without judgement, not letting all the neurotic stuff cloud your perspective too much. A lot of buddhist philosophy can be really helpful for mental stuff.

This thought has come back to the forefront of my consciousness because I had a car accident on Wednesday night. An unbelievably gigantic huntsman spider paid me a visit on the inside of my windscreen. I lost control of the car and hit a pole before ending up on the wrong side of the road in a shallow ditch. Thank God the ditch was shallow, the pole gave way easily, and no one was coming the other way. The dog-sized spider didn't come off so well.

Apparently nobody has died of a spider bite in Australia for like 20 years. But the problem is spiders causing fatal car accidents. It's a real problem. I've now heard from several people saying they knew of a car accident caused by a spider in the car. I am truly lucky that I didn't kill myself or anyone else.

My car is a bit banged up but still driveable, not that I'll be driving it anytime soon. I don't think I got whiplash or concussion or anything like that, I think I broke just in time so I didn't slam into the embankment. Ambulance came to check that I was alright. My Melbourne family (a friend's family) came and collected me and took me to their house. Was good to talk with them over chamomile tea and sleep there - I love sleeping at their house. They have the most relaxed feeling place ever. They're a really calm and lovely family.

Took the day off yesterday, it seemed like a sensible thing to do. Worked today - stressful day. Car accident or not, deadlines apparently have no compassion. I feel a bit strange, like mild ongoing shock, but I'm not thinking about the accident because the first night I kept replaying it - and the moment where I hit the pole and thought I was going to die - and it just stretches out the horrible ordeal. So it's been good practice with disciplining my mind to stop thinking about it, at least.

I think I'll be taking the bus, and only the bus, for quite a while. This year for me will be The Year Of The Huntsman... When I Lived at Huntsman Manor. We're gaining a new housemate tonight - hope he's not arachnophobic...

Simplicity

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” Leonardo da Vinci.

I've been rather enamoured with unclutterer.com lately. It's got useful tips for keeping things uncluttered and simple. I was inspired and cleaned up my work desk and my bedroom at home which was long overdue. It just feels better having things ordered and organised - helps me to not feel anxious. And I need all the help I can get with that.

Keeping things simple is great - I try to do this whenever I cook (use as few ingredients as possible - but good ingredients), and I try to do this even with clothes and stuff as well. But a big one is multi-tasking. I hate multi-tasking. I hate attempting to spread my mind over too many tasks. My current job is a project officer role... ie. I've got my finger in every damn pie... and then I also get dumped with the admin boring crap that everyone likes to fob off to someone else so they can concentrate on their actual job... er, yeah. I hate that aspect. I'm hoping to eventually move into another role similar to mine but better... when that guy leaves, that is... :)

Anyway. I think I multi-task out of boredom as well as anxiety that I feel I have so many different things to keep track of. But it works so much better, and my mind feels much calmer, when I uni-task ... one thing at a time; do it well, fully concentrate, then tick it off and move on.

So I'm being disciplined about only having a few tabs open in firefox (not, er, 20+) and resisting the urge to check The Age website 5 times during every task....

This ties in with my whole issue with technology. We are contactable 24/7. We are kept as up to date as is possible on everything that happens in the world anywhere... ever. Through twitter and facebook and thousands of different news sites... but it goes further than that. I can hear traffic at all times in my room (with the exception of a few hours between maybe 2 and 5am). We live on a busy road. But it's not natural for my brain to hear traffic through the night. I can't really escape it though unless I use technology to drown it out with artificial white noise or whatever.

Our minds are being harassed from all angles - not only that though, we become addicted to knowing what's happening everywhere all the time. We get addicted to hearing the thoughts of everyone we've ever met on every topic. We can be emailed, texted, called, PM'd. There is no silence anymore. There is no total off time. Sometimes it feels like we're never fully alone (ie. always contact with someone somewhere through technology) and hardly ever fully present when in other people's physical company... we're texting or on the computer or taking a call inviting us to go somewhere else...

So I like to just take a walk without my phone. Or turn my phone off for a few hours at home. Notice little things, practice mindfulness. Allow my mind to stay on the one track for a while. It's therapeutic, it's necessary - for me anyway.

Interesting quotes from Kahlil Gibran

From Kahlil Gibran, poet and artist (1883-1931):

"All our words are but crumbs that fall down from the feast of the mind."
This is why good writing is so powerful - because those crumbs are precious and sparse.

"And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair."
Reconciliation with nature... especially needs to be said in our modern suburban/ office/ city lifestyles.

"Exaggeration is truth that has lost its temper."
I love this.

"Faith is an oasis in the heart which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking."
Encapsulates the sentiment so well - makes me think, why do I then keep striving to give words to my faith? The words that are readily available, that have been used traditionally, are problematic - at best.

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
The little things that affect us so much. So helpful to remember this in relationships.

"When you see a man led to prison say in your heart, 'Mayhap he is escaping from a narrower prison.' And when you see a man drunken say in your heart, 'Mayhap he sought escape from something still more unbeautiful.'"
This really stood out to me... especially the second part.

"Of life's two chief prizes, beauty and truth, I found the first in a loving heart and the second in a laborer's hand."
Being lazy and having no discipline just leads to going round in circles or going backwards... I found this truth in trying.

"The lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master."
I don't take this as vow-of-poverty - it's not about punishing yourself or sacrificing comforts as some sort of spiritual purification - but to remember that being comfortable should not be the highest aim... it shouldn't take precedence over, say, aiming for love and solidarity and growth. And happiness - happiness does NOT equal comfort.

"We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them."
Again, this goes back to discipline... if I allow myself to drink too much on a regular basis, I'm choosing to feel like shit. If I choose to stop exercising, I'm choosing to feel less well and less happy. If I don't feed myself properly, I'm saying yes to running out of energy and getting sick. Same with the positive, too - if I choose to save up to go on a trip, I'm choosing to that future joy.

"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy."
This one is a reminder to be mindful of the purpose behind what I do at work - who is receiving benefit? Why am I doing it? Then, keeping that in mind, trying to do the daily tasks with love.

"Your daily life is your temple and your religion."
Daily habits determine, shape and end up being your life... the every day stuff should aim to reflect your broader beliefs. Complete integrity is probably not possible, we all have different sides to our personalities, but the things you do again each day should hopefully be justifiable alongside your values... (a great example of where I fail at this - each morning I get coffee at the same place. They're nice, have a loyalty card, and their coffee is delicious. But it's not fair trade. Ba-bow.)

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."
I always experience a sea change of the mind when I've gone through pain and hard times... good to know that there is at least some benefit to all the shit.

My first go blogging from my iPad

It's ironic that I'll be posting this online and through my iPad... But anyway.

I've long suspected myself to be a Luddite. Someone told me I might be using at word the wrong way but oh well. I have an innate and persistent suspicion of technology. And an innate and persistent trust for more traditional or old world or natural ways of doing things. I always have, ever since I was little. I don't know what that's about but it has never really gone away. And the things that can get me the most angry and irritated are technological devices, particularly computers.

Anyway I was ready to yet again denounce all technology (in my mind that is) when I thought I'd look for some relaxing spa music in iPad apps in a desperate attempt to slow down my mind so I could sleep. I already have iRelax which is a guided meditation app but it doesn't necessarily send me to sleep. Anyway I came across a fantastic app Relax Melodies Hd. You can choose from heaps of natural sounds - rain in different settings (urban, heavy, drizzle, tin roof), thunder, storm, wind, wind chimes, birds, ocean waves, humming (ha!), waterfall... and you basically create a combination of them all, at their own variable volumes, and you set a timer for how long you want it to play. My mind was pretty stimulated last night after a frazzled day and thrn being out at night - a combination of stormy rainy thundery noises with soft wind chimes just soothed my brain, the sound was delicious, that is the best way I can describe it. I snuggled into bed, it was a cold night, and after listening to it for a while fell asleep and slept like a baby.

So my whole 'technology does more bad than good' rant has been put back on the shelf for the moment... My argument still stands but it's a long post and I'll do it later. Basically that the things technology goes a long way to helping us with now are mostly problems caused by technological advances (globalisation, industrialisation etc). Don't bother arguing back if you disagree cos I realise it's a hald-baked argument and don't even know that I believe it but it's just a persistent thought which I'll get out properly one day... it just won't be today :)

it's so important

... that a film like this is made: Bully - the movie

I'm hoping to get my hands on it when it's released in the US (30th March) - actually preferably beforehand somehow so I can review it. With any luck it will cause a stir and get a lot of coverage in the US and beyond. Ellen, who is passionate and vocal about the issue of bullying, has plugged it already and it's getting a lot of media attention for a potential R rating here's one article on that...

Mother Teresa quote

“In the West we have a tendency to be profit-oriented, where everything is measured according to the results and we get caught up in being more and more active to generate results. In the East -- especially in India -- I find that people are more content to just be, to just sit around under a banyan tree for half a day chatting to each other. We Westerners would probably call that wasting time. But there is value to it. Being with someone, listening without a clock and without anticipation of results, teaches us about love. The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. ”

- Mother Teresa

not likely to be very articulate right now

...but it's important to blog this.

I have been through a huge time of questioning - my faith and just about everything I believe - the existence of God, why I think and live the way I do, my upbringing - basically I completely walked away from what 'holds me'. I don't feel guilty and I don't blame myself for what I was going through. I had to go away for a while... and it has basically been more horrible than I could have imagined to distance myself from God. I've never really reached such lows, felt so lonely, seen everything through such a bleak perspective... I've never been so bitterly angry or so absorbed in what seemed to be a bottomless pit of sadness.

That might sound melodramatic but that's the truth. Perhaps that anger is why I needed to withdraw from God and faith because I could not reconcile a Christian faith with the anger at some fucked up things in my life. Still not sure how I can/will - but I now have a bit of faith again that God is there and is finding ways to give me the love, strength and peace I need to get out of the hole I've been stuck in.

Perhaps I'm ready again to believe that only with God can I stop this otherwise endless cycle of depression, anger and sadness - and, really, overall sickness.

I feel like maybe now I'm coming back to my faith... maybe. I hope so. It feels right.